


Saltwater

by swirlycloud



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future Fish, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Awkward Sexual Situations, Coach Tachibana Makoto, Depression, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Drama CD references, Emotional Trauma, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, Grief, Haruka needs water, High Speed! references, Implied/Referenced Minor Character Death, M/M, Multi, Nagisa is a ray of sunshine, Personal Growth, Rin is a sweetheart, additional ships will be properly tagged when they appear, harumako, mentions of past makorin, sort of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-01
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-04-12 08:15:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4471985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swirlycloud/pseuds/swirlycloud
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A tragic event takes place during Makoto’s final year in university, forcing him from his path. With new responsibilities and a sudden change in role, Makoto must keep facing forward, and on the way, learn how to handle what matters most to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It’s times like these that Makoto wishes would never end. At home while on his fourth winter break from university, home to see his family and old friends, it’s a period for nostalgia to seep back into his bones, filling his heart with warmth, eyes with familiarity, and lungs with salty ocean-tinted air. It will be complete, soon, when Rin comes back from Australia – at least for a visit. Who knows what his plans are?

Makoto’s own parents are out of town; today, they’d taken a rental car and went off on a road trip to Osaka as a long-awaited vacation for their anniversary, leaving the family car with Makoto to use. As for Haruka – he is also on break, and currently stands across from him, having just returned from the twins’ bedroom.

Right now, simply breathing and relaxing are all that is on Makoto’s mind.

It’s the two of them in the kitchen, in the dark, with the last rays of light having left minutes before. Makoto yawns lazily.

“It’s a good thing Ran and Ren fell asleep already.”

“You tired them out with video games all evening,” Haruka replies, placing his hands over the back of the chair he stands behind contentedly.

“Me? I’m the one who’s tired.” He stretches. “Aah, even in middle school, they’re still exhausting, as always.”

Haruka’s lips tug lightly as he states, “And still head over heels for you.”

“Hah, I’m no different. I’ve missed them so much.” Makoto smiles back. He eyes the outline of his best friend’s face, taking in his entire presence like a breath of fresh air. “Oh, by the way, I saw –” He steps forward midsentence while gesturing, before he suddenly trips on a strategically-placed banana on the kitchen floor and begins to fall forward, only to find Haruka’s hands quickly grabbing his shoulders, keeping him momentarily in place.

Haruka can barely contain his smirk. “Classic, Makoto.” His hands slide loosely from Makoto’s shoulders down to his hands.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Makoto whines pathetically, glancing down at the blameful object but makes no move to remove it. “How did I miss that?”

“You think it was a prank?” Haruka asks skeptically, pulling Makoto forward playfully by the hand. “They seem to love their oniichan too much to do that.”

Makoto sends a short-lived glare in the direction of the stairs. “ _Seems_ is the key word. Anyway,” he begins to say, not quite realizing they are still holding onto each other and that Haruka was indeed pulling him closer, “I was going to say—”

But he doesn’t get to finish, because Haruka yanks him forward a little more forcefully, then lets go of him with a small jerk, causing Makoto to wobble unsteadily once again. “H-Haru!”

“What is it?” he says in his deadpan voice, against the amusement in his expression.

“Whose side are you on?!”

“Not yours, that’s for sure.”

“Haru~, that’s mean,” Makoto pouts, letting go of Haruka’s hands and finding his own balance.

“I can’t be on your side if I’m going to be against you,” Haruka replies, then proceeds to knead his thumb into the palm of his left hand in a focused manner, all the while staring up at the other.

 _'Against you?'_ Makoto ponders, trying to decipher any particular meaning behind his words. Haruka, he’s noticed, has been a little bolder lately, especially during the last few weeks. Or…when? Makoto didn’t get to see Haruka very often while they lived in Tokyo, so he’s not sure when the change came about. But Makoto likes it very much; it seems Haruka is more comfortable showing off his own personality in front of people who don’t particularly matter. It’s about time other people than Haruka’s close friends get a taste of who he is. People like Haruka, and Rin…they are forces of nature that demand to be acknowledged. And Makoto is captivated by them each and every time.

Perhaps Makoto wouldn’t know it, but Rin and Haruka would agree, and would similarly acknowledge Makoto to be of the same kind– for if Rin is a blazing fire, and Haruka the depths of an ocean, then Makoto would be the giant earth, holding them all together – and they all end up enraptured with each other.

Makoto finds himself in a quiet, comfortable silence, thinking over Haruka’s words. _Against…_ Minutes pass by and soon the air begins to dampen with fervent, silent thoughts that have been weighing on their minds from years past.

“Haru…”

“Makoto, I –”

The blitzing sound of Makoto’s cell phone cuts him off. A genuine, wistful smile hangs off of Makoto’s lips as he stares at the other, and he seriously contemplates not answering it. He lets it ring three times unanswered, and is about to let it ring its fourth before his responsible nature finally urges him pull it from his pocket and flip it open. His eyes land above Haruka’s head as he absently answers the call. “Yes, hello?”

Haruka watches Makoto’s eyes shift away from him and toward the window. He watches him exchange a few words, watches his replies become more hesitant. He watches the phone slip from against Makoto’s ear and fall against the tiles with a loud clang. The room grows silent amidst the tiny, muffled voice against the floor, “ _Makoto…? Makoto!_ ”, but its recipient is already rushing to the other side of the house. It takes a few seconds for Haruka to connect the panic in the tiny voice from the phone to the panic in Makoto’s step.

Haruka wastes no more time and picks up the phone, fastening it to his ear. “Hello? Who’s this?” His tone is deliberate, and surprisingly calm.

_“…Nanase? Is that you?”_

“Yamazaki,” Haruka states with recognition, then begins to feel something sink deep inside his gut as he notes the breathlessness in Sosuke’s tone. “Did something happen?—”

 _“Where’s Tachibana? Is he okay?”_ His tone is sharp, direct, but tinged with something Haruka can’t quite place.

“He’s fine…” Haruka answers.

_“I… Give the phone back to him.”_

Haruka remembers the way Makoto dashed out of the kitchen. What could be so important involving Makoto and Sosuke at this time of evening?

Sosuke. Osaka police.

_‘Don’t tell me…’_

_“Nanase! If Tachibana is fine, I need to speak with him! Hand over the goddamned phone!”_

Haruka replies curtly, “He’s not fine. He rushed upstairs.” There is a pause on the other line, if ever so slight. That’s when he takes time to hear the approaching sirens, and the sound of cars honking furiously. “Are…Makoto’s parents. Are they okay?”

 _“Fuck…”_ Haruka hears the choppiness of waves and the wind gust forcefully against the phone’s speakers on the other line. ‘ _Is he on a bridge?’_

Sosuke’s attention returns to the call, his voice once again loud yet muffled against Makoto’s phone. _“There’s been an accident. The Tachiba– his parents – were in one of the cars.”_

“…How bad is it?” Haruka’s heart is in his throat. “Where are they? And you?”

There is an audible silence; Haruka assumes correctly that Sosuke isn’t keen on delivering such information twice in the same call _. “I’m on Pearl Bridge. Their car is currently underwater… We have teams arriving, and an ambulance is now already on site.”_

Haruka’s knees become weak, and his breath feels like it’s been knocked out of his chest. “Their…”

 _“With the severity of the accident and the roughening weather, hoping for a positive outcome would be premature.”_ He clicks his tongue thoughtfully against the noisy static of the wind. _“Don’t let Tachibana come alone. Honestly I don’t know how things are going to turn out.”_

Haruka’s grip against Makoto’s phone feels alien. “Understood,” he says tightly.

_“Just get here safely.”_

The line cuts off, ending the conversation on his words. Haruka feels like a part of himself has been taken with it. His heart jumps in his throat once again when he hears someone hurrying down the stairs. He turns, and sees Makoto entering the kitchen, looking as if he hasn’t slept in days. “Makoto?”

He rushes past Haruka wordlessly, wallet in hand, searching for the keys, drawer by drawer. No luck. His expression is rigid, and his eyes move about frantically. There – placed haphazardly beside the knife set on the counter. He grabs them quickly, clutching them tightly in one hand, and scans the floor in search of something else.

“Makoto.”

He turns to face Haruka, and his eyes lower to the hand holding his phone. He reaches forward for it, swiftly claiming it from Haruka’s weak grasp, and begins to reach for his coat from the table when Haruka’s grasp becomes strong once again and it reaches instinctively for Makoto’s wrist, preventing him from going any further. “Makoto!”

He turns around, finally facing Haruka, deliberately avoiding his piercing blue gaze. “Haru. I need you to stay here. Please. I’ll be back.”

“I talked with Yamazaki,” Haruka supplies thickly, so that Makoto doesn’t have to explain. He can already guess the reason Makoto has rushed to his siblings’ room – out of instinct, out of fear. He’d done the same with his grandmother, even though she’d passed away in her sleep while visiting his parents that summer. His words are simple. “I’m coming with you.”

“No!” Makoto’s answer is immediate, and authoritative. The alarm is clear on his face. “Stay with the twins. I have nowhere else to bring them.”

“Bring them with us.”

“I can’t –!”

“And leave them _here_? Without you?” Haruka’s voice is low, heavy with experience. He hadn’t been there when his grandmother died. He’d been at home, out of general refusal to meet his parents that time.

“They _cannot_ go there!”

“They’ll be fine!”

A deep shadow appears over Makoto’s distressed, shining eyes. “Haru, will you just listen to me?!”

Haruka immediately tightens his hold around him. The tone Makoto uses reminds him of that day at the Obon festival, right before Makoto had told him about leaving for Tokyo. “Don’t leave like this again.”

Something indescribable crosses Makoto’s face once more. Haruka can’t place it; it worries him further. Suddenly the intense warmth from under his hand is gone as Makoto forcefully jerks his hand away from him. He freezes in alarm as Makoto forgets his coat and slips on his sneakers, heading for the door in a rush.

Makoto pauses against the door handle, finally allowing twenty shades of pain to break onto his face as the cold night air wraps itself around him. “Please take care of them…”

The door is abruptly shut, and Haruka desperately wills himself to move against the kitchen floor. “...Makoto!” By the time he makes it through the back door and onto the driveway, the family van is already on the street, lighting up the path in front of it. Against the darkness, Haruka doesn’t catch a glimpse of Makoto’s expression through the window before both he and the car are gone.

An emptiness fills inside Haruka’s chest, an emptiness so strong that he forgets to lock the door and simply runs upstairs without thinking, stopping just outside the twins’ room. He steps in quietly, carefully, as if the sound of his own heart beating could wake them at any second.

The two children are sound asleep.

With caution, he moves forward into the dimly lit room, and sits beside them on the bed, staring at their calm faces with the strength of a familiar guardian.

Then, unexpectedly, Ran begins to stir. “Oniichan…?” she mumbles, blinking blearily into the dimness of the room.

“Go to sleep, Ran.” He places a hand softly against her forehead, brushing away her dark bangs.

“Haru-chan…?”

“I’m here. It’s fine,” Haruka says in a surprisingly soothing voice. Whether or not it is to soothe himself or her, he doesn’t know. “Goodnight.”

“’Night…”

That night, Haruka doesn’t sleep. He knows Makoto won’t.

 

* * *

 

Haruka is not sure what day it is when Makoto finally comes, but he is awake _. 4:28,_ reads the electronic display on the clock on the stove.

Makoto drags himself in through the door, shutting it softly, and finds Haruka sitting at the table with a cup of coffee, now setting down the book he’d been reading in order to stand up and in front of him. Makoto begins to ask why his friend is awake at this hour and for him to go to sleep, but the words simply freeze up in his throat, and his legs refuse to move.

He looks as if he wants to say something, he has a billion words on the edge of his lips, but no voice to express them. All his strength seems to leave him, and everything in his hands – his keys, paperwork, a baseball cap – crashes carelessly onto the floor. Feeling as if he’s about to follow suit, his eyelids slide shut in shallow relief and he finds himself alongside Haruka’s endless warmth.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this story written/planned since quite a while back. Other than that, I have no idea what I'm doing. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Long chapter up next!


	2. Chapter 2

Haruka finds himself spending more and more time at the Tachibana residence ever since that day. He has neither asked for nor been given permission; rather, he has stepped in uninvited, but not unwanted.

Sometime into the early morning, Makoto walks into the kitchen, not seeming to acknowledge his best friend sitting patiently at the table.

“Are Ren and Ran ready?”

Makoto he rubs his eyes and leans against the refrigerator.

“Are Ren and Ran ready for school?” Haruka tries again. He does not remove his firm gaze from Makoto’s face. Dark circles accentuate the bright green color above them, but the paleness of his skin makes the contrast starker. Not only that, but he is sweating. Haruka’s brows furrow; he does not like being ignored, especially from someone who is always so quick to give his attention to others. “Makoto.”

“What.”

Haruka stands up and makes his way past Makoto, out of the kitchen. He finds Ran and Ren patiently waiting on the floor mat near the front door. They are huddled up together in their winter coats and backpacks firmly across their back, with Ren suddenly turning away as Haruka approaches. They are ready for school, Haruka notes. “I’ll take you to the stop. Let’s go.”

Ren interjects suddenly, “No!” to which Ran simply spares him a quiet, scolding glance, before meeting Haruka’s eyes. They’re old enough to walk themselves, but it will be especially hard today. “We’re ready.” Her voice is soft, just barely there – but her tone is firm, and Haruka can tell she’s taken well after her mother.

“Good.”

They make it to the bus stop, just in time. With one last wavering look at the cool blue eyes behind them, the twins step onto the bus. Despite the diesel engine’s loud gargling, Haruka can hear the chatter from inside reduce instantly. “It’s okay,” he mouths against the winter wind.

Covered in a light dusting of snow, he returns and enters the kitchen to find Makoto still in front of the refrigerator, but this time with his back against it, as he rests his head atop his knees.

The snow on Haruka’s head melts.

“Makoto.” His voice is soft. “What are you going to do?” He asks this despite himself, and when he receives no answer, he hesitantly brings a hand over his olive hair, lifting a good chunk of it from his forehead. Makoto blinks with heavy lids, gazing somewhere at the floor, but somewhere in his mind, Haruka knows that’s not the case. “The kids are already moving forward.”

Hearing the words Makoto would have said so readily to himself before causes a sting in his eyes. The dreams have not relented once. He feels his hair being pushed out of his face. He remains still as a rock.

“Makoto…”

He closes his eyes, hoping the image of Haruka will just go away. But Haruka’s icy touch still lingers, and finally, he shivers.

“You caught Ren’s cold, didn’t you?” Haruka’s voice is tinged with disappointment, more toward himself if anything, but he feels somewhat relieved to think it’s only a cold. Makoto shakes his head, but he’s still unconvinced. “…I need to go to work, now. Okay?”

At this, Makoto lifts his head, staring weakly into his eyes. “What?” he says hoarsely.

Haruka breathes out, and almost chuckles at finally getting a response. But he doesn’t. “I found a temporary job. Just outside the city. I’ll be back late.”

Makoto’s eyes lower, falling at Haruka’s chest, which is still covered in his snow-wet coat.

“It’s a few days a week, but full hours. And it’s a little far…”

Makoto simply nods once, and the burning across his cheeks almost feels pleasant. He feels heavy with something, and it quickly takes over his entire being.

With that, Haruka abandons his slightly damp hair and grabs Makoto’s spare keys from off the counter. He yanks out his phone and fiddles with it for a few minutes. “Rin’s coming over soon, so keep the door unlocked.” He shuts the door quietly.

\----- --------- ----------------      ------------          ------

When Makoto awakes next, he is lying on his bed. The familiar white ceiling greets him like a blank dream. But there’s something unfamiliar in the room, and he quickly turns to find a man sitting on the edge of his bed, immersed in one of his sports novels.

His heart catches in his throat.

Rin.

Upon closer inspection, he notices Rin is playing with his glasses, experimenting with how the lenses affect his vision while he reads.

“Don’t do that,” Makoto finds himself telling him, feeling his throat suddenly become immeasurably dry. His cheeks twitch amicably when Rin’s body becomes frigid in surprise after nearly falling off the bed. “It’s not good for your eyes…”

He can’t see Rin’s expression as clearly as he likes when he hears the words spoken in a low voice, “You’ve been avoiding my calls.” Rin takes in his silence.

“I’ve been in town for the past few days, you know. Spending time with the family and all.” He can hear Rin nearly cursing himself out at the last part.

So he’d come a few days earlier than expected. Makoto doesn’t have to take a guess why. “I’m sorry.”

“What–? No. Fuck…” Rin despairs at his own poor choice of words and without hesitation, leans forward, capturing Makoto’s face delicately in his hands. “You’re such an idiot…” Tears begin to well up in his own eyes. “Why didn’t you tell…?”

“…Rin.” His voice gives off a warning, accentuated with the hoarseness of his voice. The hands embracing his face are warm. “I…”

“You shouldn’t be sorry. I should be…” Rin blinks away the tears, allowing them to freefall past his cheeks. “Goddammit, Makoto! Just because we broke it off doesn’t mean you can’t tell me anything, anymore.”

Being reminded of their fallout earlier that year makes him visibly cringe. “…I know. I’m sorry, Rin.” Makoto’s eyes find their way someplace else, anywhere else but Rin’s sad gaze. He’s tried and tried to be strong ever since his parents passed. Sorted out dealing with his family, sorted out dealing with custody papers, sorted out dealing with the bank, sorted out dealing with insurance companies…and pretty much everything he hadn’t thought he’d have to deal with, before.

Haruka’s parents had helped him to understand some of it, and were involved enough even to question Makoto’s decision to become his siblings’ sole guardian, as none of his relatives lived anywhere close by, and even the closest ones had no room to accept the two kids, anyway. Makoto breathes out. He’s not cried for almost a year, and he’s not about to start now. “I’m…pulling myself together.”

Rin seems to absorb his words. “Do you know why I’m here?” he asks. “Hint – it’s not to trip over sleeping idiots on the kitchen floor.”

Makoto shakes his head slowly. He has to think for a moment. He hadn’t even questioned his presence at all. For Rin to be here just feels so…natural to him. He then remembers having been in the kitchen at some point during the morning. But now, here he is, in his bed. With Rin by his side. Was he carried…? He doesn’t remember…

“Haru called me.” Rin watches the man’s eyes widen. “I know he’s your best friend, Makoto. You should talk to him.” There is a slight pause. “After all, we both know he feels more than just—”

“Rin. I’m sorry you had to come here.” Makoto’s head hurts.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Rin says matter-of factly. Haruka would call it defensive.

“Please leave...”

“I just got here. And if there’s anything I listen to Haru about, Makoto, it’s you. Now just shut up and sleep, dammit. Get over that damn flu and go back to work. Got it?” His voice is sharp with concern and resolve.

Makoto had gone straight and applied at Iwatobi SC Returns the day after he arrived back from Kyoto. He had to hold a job locally, of course, if he was going to be allowed custody of his siblings – luckily Coach Sasabe was already looking for help. It was even enjoyable working with the kids at the swim club, but he couldn’t deny how extremely painful it was each day after coming home; he’d felt like a hollow tree, no life, nothing inside, but its roots still held firmly in the ground somehow. Who was the soil...?

“My work has been suffering lately. I can’t…I can’t be with little kids in the water. Not like this.”

 _‘Well of course it would. No one blames you.’_ Rin’s eyes fall and settle for Makoto’s trembling lips. “…I’m going to let Haru deal with you,” he finally says.

The shift in weight on his bed strikes something deep in Makoto and he weakly reaches a hand out, grasping Rin’s arm as tight as he can, contradicting his previous request. “Wait.”

Rin’s smile is soft. “I’m not going anywhere. Not yet. I’m going to stay until Haru comes back. But…clearly he’s the only one who can talk to you.”

“…I don’t want to talk to him,” Makoto admits with a slight tremor.

Rin sighs. “Makoto…are you just going to keep avoiding him, too? You’re worrying the twins.” He can feel the grip on his arm slacken almost instantly.  

That is the one thing Makoto had been trying to avoid. He swallows the realization thickly. “…I don’t know how to talk to him.”

“Then talk to me.”

He tries to keep it in. He tries not to let his fears show. But it doesn’t end like last time, when young Haruka had almost drowned, with Makoto reassuring Rin and denying that anything could be wrong with himself. “I can’t go into the water, Rin...” His shoulders begin to shake, for the first time being conscious of himself as he exposes himself to him.

“Sosuke told me… they fell over the bridge.” Rin’s eyes gloss over in sadness. “I’m really sorry. I’m really, really sorry, Makoto.”

But Makoto is still shaking, and he can’t let go of Rin’s arm.

Rin lies down beside him, pulling him into a soft, light embrace. He doesn’t let go.

\--

Two voices talk quietly and with fervor at the top of the stairs, but the words they speak are too hushed and distant for Makoto to hear.

“I didn’t ask you to talk to him, just to watch over him.”

“I did both,” Rin retorts. “Somebody’s got to talk to him. He’s keeping it all inside.”

“He doesn’t want to talk to me.”

Rin halts, surprised. “…He doesn’t want to talk to you,” he repeats, dumbfounded that Makoto had told the truth.

Haruka averts his gaze. “You sound like you’ve made progress.”

That snaps him back up. “I guess I have. But he’s your boyfriend now, so just go and be there for him, already.”

“I-I’m not—”

“The way he refuses to talk about you tells me otherwise.” He folds his arms, then gives Haruka a good once-over. Haruka is weary from a full day of work, and doesn’t really want to deal with this shit. Rin frowns. But it’s not about him this time; it’s about Makoto. “Has he said _nothing_ to you?”

Haruka fixes his gaze onto a painting on the wall across from the stairs. On it there are sunflowers and daisies along with a few bunches of lavender, all grouped loosely together in a silver watering can that sits on against a background of tall, brown hay, and the entire scenery illuminated by the bright morning sun. “…I’ve figured out everything myself.”

Rin is quiet. After a long moment, he says, “He keeps having nightmares. He woke up three times in the past few hours.”

“He was asleep this whole time?” Haruka crosses his arms, now, too. “So he really did catch Ren’s cold.”

“I’d say flu.”

“Same thing…”

“Not really.”

Haru gives him a look that says, ‘Whatever’.

“…The car kept going off the bridge. Again…and again.” Rin shakes his head, rustling his magenta locks. “He can’t get it out of his head.”

Haruka is silent for a few minutes. “He hasn’t told me at all.” His voice is so faint he’s not even sure he’s spoken aloud.

Rin’s gaze is sympathetic, and knowing. “Sosuke is the same way… Tch.” He turns his head to the side for a second, fixating on the shadows of the lamp on the table. “You know how he hid that shoulder injury from me for the longest time. Although I had my suspicions… It was the same with you, wasn’t it?” he adds, offbeat.

“Makoto is just so…good at hiding things. From me. Though it looks like there’s no problem for him when it’s you.”

Rin prevents himself from outright scoffing in his friend’s face. “This isn’t the time to get jealous, Haru.”

“I’m not.”

“Yes you are. I can see it all over your face. I got to spend a whole day with Makoto and even though we only talked for less than an hour I got more out of him than you have for who knows how long.”

There it is – Rin’s specialty: spitting out the truth like it is. But he’s always admired this part about Rin. He’s always been the type who can easily talk without restriction, when he wants to. And it’s something Haruka has always been grateful for. And as usual, when this type of talk is directed toward himself, the intended effect never ceases to make itself known. Haruka looks away, ignoring the stinging behind his eyes.

Noticing Haruka’s subdued response, Rin’s expression softens. “But that can _change_ , Haru.”

“Maybe…he’ll talk, if you’re there,” he admits, still quiet as ever.

“Now? He’s sick, Haru. Let him fix his body before trying to tackle his mind. Maybe this can wait a few days.”

Haruka’s weight moves forward. “You won’t _be_ here in a few days,” he says somewhat harshly, not caring to hide the emotion leaking into his voice.

Rin deflects. “I just…never thought he’d have a problem talking to you, of all people. You’ve been with him his whole life.”

“There are parts to him he does not want to share with me,” he admits. “It feels strange.” Although, Haruka supposes it is all as well. It’s not like he’d ever made communicating easy for Makoto.

“Well, duh. I guess… Never mind,” Rin dismisses himself before taking a step forward, commanding Haruka to look him the eye, to which the other obliges. “So, what are you gonna do?”

Haruka takes a breath. “I’m going to talk to him.”

“Good—“

“With you there.”

“No.”

“Rin—”

“ _No_. This is between you and him.”

Haruka’s eyebrows twitch forward. “Can’t you just be there? In another room. Anywhere. Close by. So that Makoto can feel safe…and so can I.”

Rin’s mouth opens for a fraction of a second before closing, and he lets out a small sigh. “…Fine. When he wakes up, then.”

Haruka feels a comforting hand on his shoulder and he can’t help but thank everything that is good in the world that he had been able to meet someone like Rin. “Okay.”

\--- - -- -                ------                          --- ------------                       ----

The bed shifts slightly as Haruka sits on the edge of it, leaning his body to the right, over Makoto’s sleeping form. Softly, he lifts a cool hand and places it against Makoto’s right cheek. The touch feels so natural. Makoto’s skin is so warm, and textured with dried up sweat, and… salt.

Haruka closes his eyes.

He misses when Makoto’s eyes first open, and pulls back almost immediately when he realizes he is awake.

Makoto’s lids are heavy with a fading dream, and he doesn’t seem to notice or feel Haruka’s hand make and remove contact with his face. “Haruka…?”

Haruka takes in his exhausted appearance with dismay. If only Makoto hadn’t forgotten his coat that night, he might not have gotten sick. But, Haruka had distracted him from reaching for it, after all. Makoto had been too scared to care about something like that, and had fled out the door to face his fears and horrors all on his own. Haruka should have been there with him.

Before Makoto can think of going back to sleep, Haruka answers with a straightforward, “Yes…” The man’s look softens as the other adjusts his bleary eyesight to the reality in front of him. “Morning, Makoto.”

This causes Makoto to blink faster, and he begins to sit up, but is quickly prevented from doing so. “Morning?” he almost squeaks, looking up at him from the pillow. “What time is it? What day is it?”

Haruka would feel amused at his brightened self, if it were not that he has only one topic to discuss right now.

“Haru?” Makoto appears fully awake now, scanning the room as if looking for something intensely familiar that had gone missing from his tight grasp; his hands have developed into fists in the blanket, but he can only lift his head while Haruka’s arm is keeping him down. “Where’s…Rin?”

His voice is hoarser than was in the morning, Haruka notes. But it’s the words that bite down on him, reminding him of his failures. He meets Makoto’s gaze honestly, hoping he won’t have to say anything else. “I sent Rin to look after you while I was away at work. Remember?” ‘ _He’s not here’_ , he implies silently.

Makoto blinks slowly this time. No, Rin isn’t gone. He wouldn’t have left without saying goodbye. What’s the time, already?

There is a large, warm hand placing itself weakly around Haruka’s wrist. He looks down, breathing in a soft gasp at the touch.

“You’re wearing a watch,” Makoto whispers, almost in awe.

“…It’s not morning,” is all Haruka manages to say.

With a gentle lift and turn of his wrist, Makoto reads the time.

_Time…_

—-

“Hah…You’ve got to start wearing a watch, you know,” Makoto reminds as he unpacks the last of his boxes into his tiny room. “Or else you’ll be late to class every day.” There is a light smirk at the end of his sentence, and he turns back to the object in his hands, placing it carefully on top of his desk.

Haruka’s eye squints as he hangs up a picture of Makoto’s family just outside the hall. “Leave me alone. I can manage the time myself,” he lies. He prefers it when Makoto manages him. No, he can’t ever tell Makoto that. It’d be too strange for him to say, and he won’t give Makoto the satisfaction of knowing how his responsible nature fit with Haruka so… perfectly.

Haruka isn’t perfect, hardly deserves perfect. But he won’t let Makoto know that. ‘ _Or he already knows.’_

_‘But then…why would you care?’_

_‘Because I love him, that’s why.’_

“Okay, tell you what, Haru. The day you start paying attention to the time – or, the day you start actually wearing a watch – that’s when I know you are taking things seriously with me.”

Makoto’s wistful voice makes Haruka’s hands freeze, still clutched around the frame. “What do you mean?” He swallows.

“Me, Rin… Rei, and Nagisa. I’ve heard my fair share of how much you blow them off all the time.”

“It’s just video calls. I can call back anytime,” he says, ignoring how he feels about the fact that they’ve been catching up together without him… bonding over Haruka’s inability to be there for them. Haruka knows deep down that there’s nothing to worry about, but he still feels like his life in Iwatobi is something to remain stagnant and unchanging, when in fact Iwatobi is moving on without him.

“But they’re not going to be available all the time, you know?” Makoto clicks his tongue, and it looks like he’s about to add, _‘Especially Rin’_. But he continues straightforwardly, “And neither will I. You hardly have enough time as it is, so when you make a date, you should keep it.”

“I meet with you,” Haruka says defensively. “I’m here right now. Isn’t that enough?”

Makoto sighs. “No. And I had to call you four times over two days just to ask you to meet up with me, here.” He looks up at Haruka, then stands up from where he’d been kneeling, and steps outside the room, casually leaning back against the outer wall with his arms folded across his chest.

Haruka turns around, facing him in the dim light of the narrow hallway. ‘ _You should have called five_ ,’ Haruka wants to say. “You said you wanted to cook mackerel together, tonight.” The rising heat in his cheeks is denied acknowledgement in the darkness, with the last of the sun’s rays from Makoto’s window just finishing their trek across the top of his own windswept hair.

There is a look of something that passes through Makoto’s face – wistfulness? – but it is gone before Haruka can blink, and only a lingering trail of unspoken words can be felt in the air between them. All tension is quickly shattered as Makoto smiles, patting a hand behind Haruka’s shoulder as he moves in the direction of his excuse for a kitchen. Not like Haruka’s was much better.

They enter the kitchen and lean on the opposing sides of counter space, facing each other directly, reciprocating serious looks.

“Are you ready, Makoto?”

“I’m ready for anything, Haru.”

“Then… let’s get started.”

“A-ah! Wait a sec, I forgot my apron.”

—-

Haruka smiles at the memory. But he catches Makoto staring up at him, expression changing from wonder to one of fondness.

“You remembered.”

“Of course I did.” He looks down at their hands, and places his free hand on top of Makoto’s, enveloping it in an affectionate squeeze. He is suddenly aware of Rin’s presence in the hallway just outside, and a light blush consumes his face. He wills it away a minute later, and clears his voice. “Makoto…I want to talk with you.”

The tone in Haruka’s voice causes him to hesitate. “We already are.”

Haruka presses forward gently. “I want to ask you about your nightmares.”

Makoto blinks away, becoming distinctly aware that he’s never told Haruka about them. Where’s Rin?

Haruka is sharp on his thought pattern. He wishes Makoto’s ears do not hear the light tremor that sneaks into his voice. But he doesn’t know if Makoto hears it, because he stays quiet. “…Makoto?”

A slow blink of heavy lashes. He can’t burden Haruka anymore. It’s never something he’s willingly done to anyone – burdening them with his worries, letting them know how he feels inside. It is private, sensitive information that he’d learned to keep well hidden from anyone – not that he expected anyone to ask for it.

He can’t explain why he feels comfortable talking to only Rin about it, now. Maybe…it’s because of that day… Rin had been so concerned, had witnessed him shaking, absolutely terrified, and respected Makoto’s unwillingness to discuss his fears. Makoto had wanted to hide it from everyone so badly; but Rin knew. He always does…but not once had he pressured him about it. And Makoto took comfort in that. “They’re just dreams. It’s not a big deal.”

That last addition makes Haruka drop Makoto’s hand instantly. “Do you really think so?” He crosses his arms unconsciously.

Makoto isn’t really listening; the feeling of his hand being released causes two names to come to mind, as if having previously failed to acknowledge an alarm in the back of his mind, hitting the snooze button every time the feeling resurfaced. He sits up abruptly, fighting the accompanying head rush and Haruka’s arm as he makes his way to the door. His heart skips a beat when he sees Rin leaning with his back against the wall, sitting casually on the floor outside his room. “Rin?”

Rin looks up, then slowly blinks while standing up. “Ran and Ren are asleep. No need to worry about them.”

“I—didn’t pick them up after practice. Why didn’t you wake me up?” Panic and shame constricts around his throat. How could he sleep the day away like that, forgetting all about taking care of his siblings? Horrible, useless, not worthy of looking up to. He wouldn’t be anything if it wasn’t for everyone around him.

An unpleasant memory during his middle school resurfaces. He's standing on the shore that night, depressed and despondent; the waves soon begin to lick at his feet. Haruka finds him, and he’s out of breath, worry etched all over his face. What had Makoto been thinking of doing that night?

Now, Rin sends him an assured smile, and then looks pointedly at Haruka, who is still staring at Makoto, as if able to penetrate his dark thoughts.

“They’re kids, but they’re not little anymore, Makoto. They could take the train by themselves, if need be.” He pauses. “But I picked them up.” He places a hand behind his head. “It’s fine. Although…” He eyes Haruka as the other steps out from inside the room, standing patiently behind Makoto. Blue meets red, and the latter backs away, nodding toward the tallest of the three.

“Makoto…let’s sit down.”

Makoto gives Rin a look, who simply returns a single nod. “Rin…do you mind waiting outside for a few minutes?” Makoto asks tentatively, silently indicating for him to take a seat in the living room.

He smiles. “What do you think I’ve been doing all this time?”

This causes Makoto’s cheeks to flush a deeper red, suddenly embarrassed by himself and his treatment of both his friends. He begins to feel dizzy. “…I’m sorry.”

“Makoto.”

His lids lower toward the man who calls him. They both make their way back into the bedroom, and take a seat on the bed. Shivering, Makoto opts instead to lie down and bury himself under the comforter, facing the wall.

Haruka lies down beside him. “…Cold?”

“…Yeah.”

“Rin is a very good friend.”

“Yeah.”

"I brought some soup... I left it in the fridge. Ren and Ran already ate."

There is silence. Haruka feels an emotion he has not yet identified, and it takes away a chunk of whatever forwardness he has left. He says softly, gently, “If you don’t want to talk…that’s okay with me.”

Makoto stays quiet. His green eyes poke out from the shield the comforter offers, and he contemplates on giving an answer at all. The contemplation doesn’t last long, however, and the next thing he knows, he’s speaking aloud, a little more freely. “I… never had a problem talking to you before. About my fears.”

Haruka closes his eyes, taking his gaze off from the ceiling. Makoto doesn’t continue, so Haruka decides to offer little prompts, allowing Makoto to speak not without reason. “So why now?”

“…I don’t know…”

“That’s not an answer.” He feels Makoto shift under the covers.

“It’s not like you were very vocal, either.”

“But you always were.”

“So what changed?”

“So what changed.”

“…My feelings. I think,” Makoto says simply, snapping Haruka into full alertness.

“Feelings?” he breathes.

Makoto visibly hesitates, and Haruka can feel him tense up. “…Before my parents –” He stops to cough. “Sometime before they died, I noticed that I couldn’t talk to you about some things that would normally come easy to me.”

“Like what?”

His throat aches. “Just…things. I’m not sure. It felt different talking to you about them.”

Haruka turns his head, and feels Makoto’s floofy hair tickle the tip of his nose. “Is it because we’re older?”

He blinks slowly, fighting the urge to sleep. He answers a few minutes later. “Maybe,” he mumbles softly.

“Is it because our lives have changed so much?” ‘ _Is it because you’ve realized you love me?’_ As if having heard his thoughts, Makoto appears startled into silence. Haruka treads lightly. “Rin thinks so.”

Heat tickles Makoto’s cheeks, and he just wants to pull the comforter over his eyes and block everything out. “Do you?” he asks instead.

Haruka nearly reciprocates with the same question, but stops himself short. This isn’t the time to draw out any kind of confession; it won’t mean anything like this. Not with Rin here, not with Makoto sick. Not until everything’s better. Haruka would wait.

For Makoto, Haruka would wait a lifetime.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So lazy! Sorry for the fashionably late update...I've decided I can't keep these chapters all to myself anymore. The High Speed! novels are referenced here, as well as one of the drama CD tracks with Makoto and Haru cooking together. :>
> 
> Anyway, feel free to comment below. You can also send me a message via kjosi.tumblr.com/ask


	3. Chapter 3

A few mornings later, Rin gets ready to leave after his last visit to the Tachibana house.

Both Ren and Ran are at his side immediately, wrapping themselves around him. “We’re gonna miss you, RinRin onii-chan!”

“Will you come again soon?”

“He has to travel the world, dummy.”

“You didn’t even think he’d have time to visit,” Ren spits back with a pout.

“Of course I’d come see you guys,” Rin says with an easy grin. He places his hands on both their heads. Ran is a little taller now, he notes for the first time.

Haruka stands beside Rin, knocking the twins out of the way to give him a hug. “See ya… RinRin onii-chan.” he says with a smirk, his head resting on the other’s shoulder.

Rin pauses, and a knowing grin spreads across his face; he steals a glance at Makoto who looks questioning, before he whispers back to Haruka, “It’s not as embarrassing as what your name will be. _Eventually_.”

“Fine by me, _uncle Rin_ ,” he continues. Rin chuckles loud enough to capture Makoto’s attention once again, and Makoto walks over.  “See you later.” Haruka lets go, making room for Makoto to come near. He places his arms around the twins this time as they all watch.

“Riiin,” Makoto says, exhaling a giant breath as he wraps the other in his arms. “Thank you thank you thank you…so much. For visiting. And for taking care of me while Haru was out.”

“And?” Rin prods teasingly.

“And for being the most wonderful friend I could ask for,” he admits, feeling Rin hold him tighter at the words. He giggles. “Not too tight, that tickles!” His deep voice cracks as he squeaks, and Rin gives one last squeeze before letting go.

Grabbing his bag from off the floor, Rin slaps his cap onto his silky magenta hair and turns, opening the front door wide. “Alright, I’m going.”

“Wait—” Haruka calls.

“At least let us walk you to the station,” Makoto finishes for him.

“No…” Rin gives them a final smile, this one a bit gentler than before, and not quite meant for either of them. “There’s someone I have to see.”

Both Haruka and Makoto look at each other knowingly.

“Say hello to Sosuke for us,” Makoto says sweetly.

“…He’s down the steps, isn’t he,” Haruka deadpans.

“I’m not telling you shit…” Rin’s grin widens. “Anyway, see ya!” He leaves quickly, shutting the door behind him, and races down the steps. He can’t tell them that he’s actually taken some extra time off – otherwise they’d be sure to mention it to both Rei and Nagisa somehow and Rin would _never_ have any time alone. Not that he wasn’t planning a surprise stop at their place during his last week, along with a possible group get-together, if he has the time – he also has to go see Ai, Momo, and a couple other friends from Samezuka, too, not to mention spending enough time with his mother and Gou.

 

-                                    -                                    -

 

Haruka is woken up by Makoto’s cell phone ringing. He sighs. Daily text from Nagisa has now changed into daily call? He sleepily wanders a hand over Makoto’s back and reaches for it, seeing the other not make a move to wake up.

 _5:14 pm,_ he notes as he flips open the phone, immediately greeted with the unforgettable voice that is Hazuki Nagisa’s.

_“Makoto! Why haven’t you been answering my texts?!”_

Haruka’s eyes widen upon hearing the worry in his voice. He quickly eyes the back of Makoto’s head as he answers. “Nagisa?”

_“…Haru?”_

“…” He waits for an explanation for the call. When he receives nothing else, he asks. “What is it, Nagisa?”

He gets to the point. _“There’s something I need to ask about Rei…”_ And then a pause _. “More importantly, how is Mako-chan?”_ he asks, his voice becoming significantly quieter, and more subdued.

Haruka warmly notes the concern in his voice, and gives a quiet sigh. “Makoto’s been sick the past few days, is all—”

_“What!”_

“He’s fine, Nagisa. Mostly,” he adds. “I think. And he forgot to charge his cell phone, so that’s probably why he hasn’t received your texts yet.” Haruka holds out the phone, now noticing the **_8 new messages_** notification flicker in the corner of the screen. “I just put it for charging before taking a nap...”

_“Mako-chan is sleeping, then?”_

“I can wake him up,” he says simply.

_“No, no, it’s fine, Haru-chan. Just…tell him to call me back? When he’s better?”_

“Of course,” he says with a small smile. “Nagisa.”

_“Yes, Haru-chan?”_

_How are you?_ he wants to ask. He’ll save that for when they meet in person. “Rin’s back in town,” he says instead. “Probably for a couple weeks or so.” He hears an immediate, huge gasp before Nagisa bursts out. “I don’t know for sure though.”

_“Rin-chan’s **what**?!”_

“He probably plans to surprise you when he’s close to leaving…” He can almost hear the smile in Nagisa’s voice.

_“Hehh~~”_

“Let’s beat him to it, shall we?”

 _“Here, or in Iwatobi?”_ Nagisa inquires with glee.

“Hm. There are two of us here, and two of you there… and then there’s Rin. It’s your pick.”

_“Let’s all decide together, later.”_

“I’ll wake Makoto up soon, then. Nagisa…Thank you for calling.”

There is a significant pause on the other line. _“Of course, Haru-chan.”_

With a contented smile, Haruka takes the phone away from his ear and hangs up, tossing it somewhere on the bed. He closes his eyes, hoping to catch two more minutes, until he hears a slight rustling beside him.

“Did someone call?” Makoto asks sleepily, not raising his head from the pillow.

Haruka’s eyes open, completely forgetting his intimate proximity to Makoto. He quickly sits up, pretending he had just gotten there. “Yes. It was Nagisa.”

“Ah.”

He waits, surprised at the lack of response that would normally be present at such a time. “…You’re not going to ask anything else?”

“Hm.”

“…Makoto.”

“Hm?”

“Nagisa called. We’re going to get together and surprise Rin before he leaves.”

“Oh.”

Haruka leans forward, placing a hand onto the middle of Makoto’s back. “Is that okay with you?”

“Yes, that’s a great idea.”

He shakes his head. “You need to eat something already.”

As if on cue, Makoto stomach grumbles loudly. “Huunngrryyy…”

Haruka stands up with a sigh. “Me too. I’ll go make something.”

Makoto lifts himself off the bed, hiding his face from Haruka. “I’ll go shower, then.”

Thirty minutes later, their late lunch goes on quietly, with only the sound of the midwinter wind knocking against the windows. Haruka doesn’t take his eyes off of Makoto, and silently observes that he indeed looks a lot better, despite the more obvious signs of stress and flu.

“You’re looking a lot better,” he blurts out despite himself, and quickly takes in a mouthful of rice, denying any potential request to elaborate.

But Makoto smiles warmly, cheeks puffed with a mouthful of toast. He downs it with a gulp of soy milk, responding vibrantly in stark contrast to the nights before. “I’m feeling better.”

Haruka gives a small smile, swallowing his rice in relief. “…That’s good.”

Holding his glass in the air for a few seconds, Makoto pauses, then continues lightly, “I think…I can go back to work, tomorrow.”

Haruka’s chopsticks nearly fall from his grasp. “Really?” he replies in a louder voice than intended. He observes Makoto carefully, looking for any signs of deceit. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” he answers, opting for another chug of the white liquid. “But first I need to get used to the water again. It’ll help if I can get back into routine before I have to appear in front of the kids.”

They’ve finished now, and Haruka stands up, offering to pick up Makoto’s plate as he passes him on his way to the kitchen, but Makoto shakes his head; he’ll get it on his own.

“I’ll come, too.” Haruka’s voice fades as he steps into the kitchen. A few clinks of ceramic later, he pops his head out of the kitchen, eyeing Makoto’s back from the chair he still occupies. He waits for Makoto to turn his head, and seconds later is greeted with a gentle smile.

“Not today.” His voice is airy, and distant. Noting the pool-induced sparkle in Haru’s eye vanish, Makoto adds, “Later?”

Haruka pauses and simply nods, and motions for Makoto to bring his dishes into the kitchen for wash. An hour and a half later, they both huddle near the front hallway.

With a surprising amount of grace, Makoto slips on his jacket and shoes, grabs his wallet and keys, and slings his swim bag over his shoulder before pausing at the door.

Haruka stands across from him. “Ran’s almost finished with her research essay. I don’t mind looking over it, but you’re better at this sort of thing, so…”

Makoto opens the door, letting in the last burst of late evening sunlight. “Yeah, I got it. Anyway, see you. It’ll be dark by the time Ren needs to come home, so I’ll pick him up on my way back.”

Before Haruka can ask whose house Ren is babysitting at this time, Makoto and the sunlight are both gone, the door is shut, and he is left alone downstairs. Something in the back of his mind rings with unease, but remembering the sight of Makoto looking lively and upbeat again overwhelms his spirits and sets them on high. With a sigh of relief, he locks the door, and flops against the couch, opening up the new book on swimming Rin had brought him.

This will be a good night.

 

-                                    -                                    -

 

Running has never been Makoto’s strength. Sure, he has some serious sprinting skills, but running all the way to Iwatobi SC Returns at his current speed requires endurance that could only be met by someone like Rei. Endurance –physical endurance – has never been Makoto’s forte. Perhaps it is the cost that comes with having enough mental fortitude to last a second lifetime.

Neither are apparent right now.

_“Tachibana, just…stay here for now.”_

Just over halfway to his destination, he is forced to slow down and grab onto the metal guard railing overlooking the small cliff for support as he leans over, catching his breath. ‘ _Why am I running?’_

He becomes aware of the water in his eyes hitting the cold air, without the sun to soothe them dry; the sun has just set and there are no cars in his immediate surroundings.

_“Their car went over the bridge.”_

_“I’m really, really sorry, Makoto.”_

_“Why aren’t you talking to me, Makoto?”_

_“Oniichan, are mom and dad really not coming back?”_

Not bothering to let his breath catch up to him, he continues to run.

 

 -                                    -                                    -

 

The book isn’t as interesting as Rin made it out to be, Haruka thinks. He’s vaguely aware of his eyes drooping as the light entering the room begins to fade, merging the lines between shadows into a dull grey.

“Haru-chan…?”

He turns to see none other than Ran standing beside him, looking down at him with a question written on her face. “Yes, Ran?” He is then met with a stack of four to five papers, each littered with broken paragraphs and scattered sentences. It’s a messy sight.

“Um…”

Ran is different from before, Haruka notices. Before, Ran would have no issue clinging to him, asking him to play, or hogging up all his time. But as she stands here, older now, asking for help, the sight almost reminds him of himself when he was younger – not wanting anyone’s help, wanting only independence, no matter how much he still relied on very few important constants such as Makoto and his own house – that the contrast startles him into only a brief silence as he allows Ran to finish speaking.

“I’ve been trying to word my essay a bit better…” She pauses, looking away as Haruka reads through her work. “My teacher says that my essays are too technical. But it’s a research essay! So I thought, it’s okay to write it like this…”

“Free.”

Ran blinks, looking puzzled. “What?”

“Add some more adjectives to round out the edges of your sentences, like water weathering down the rocks in a creek.” He waits, watching Ran’s expression turn from puzzled into a slightly more understanding look. “Your teacher wants your essay to flow. So, dilute it. Looking at what you have here, these are only explanations and hard facts. Present them in a fluid manner, but don’t let the trivial details interrupt the flow of logic. At least, that’s what Makoto would say,” he adds for the second half.

“I…think I get it…”

Haruka looks at her skeptically, and sets his book down completely, away from him onto the other side of the couch. “You do?”

Ran’s face brightens up a little. “Yeah!” She begins to giggle, causing the man to blink.

“What?”

Her long dark hair falls in front of her shoulder as she leans forward to reach his eye level. “I didn’t think you’d be able to help me at all, actually! Usually onii-chan knows how to write, best, but I think you gave good advice.”

“Really?”

“Yep!” With that, Ran plops down next to Haruka, leaning in a little closer, pencil still in hand. “Haru-chan, do you think you could read my writing again? This time I’m going to try what you said, but I want to make sure I get it right.”

Something warm flutters within Haruka, and he gives her a soft smile as she turns back to her papers, seemingly already knowing his response. “Sure.”

“Okay. Let’s go!”

 

-                                    -                                    -

 

Makoto doesn’t remember when he entered the closed building, when he stripped off his clothes, or the first, second, third, fourth time diving into the water.

It frightens yet soothes him to be alone in the pool and just swim. He wonders if the soothing effect is something Haru feels when he’s in it, too. It must be nice to not feel the small rise of fear that accompanies his every first dive. Tonight, Makoto refuses to swim the backstroke. He swims fast, and hard. Seven laps go by with ease, then another four with increasing difficulty. The pleading voices that haunt his mind begin to take physical form, reaching out toward him from the depths of the water. He swims faster, rougher.

_“Please, take care of them.”_

_“Don’t let me down, Makoto.”_

Midway through his twelfth lap, something in him seizes and his motions cease completely before he remembers to start treading water. There is a creeping silence as he pushes away the remnants of his last dream from his mind. He reaches the other side finally, out of breath, and rips off his cap and goggles heatedly, throwing them behind him, across the pool. They land with a _plop!_ just past three fourths of the length of the pool. Then, the dreams start mixing in with reality.

_“That…that’s not funny, oniichan!”_

Makoto decides he’s had enough. Try to get back into routine… yeah right. Huffing out fast and heavily, he turns to face the wall before dunking his head underwater one more time to cool the heat rising above his cheeks. Then he places both hands on the edge and pulls himself out of the water, knowing he’s not fit to swim the distance to retrieve his gear.  

_“Mom and dad are coming back!”_

Each step alongside the pool’s length feels like prickly heat stabbing itself into his ice cold lungs. 

_“Yamazaki-san is lying! Mom and Dad just wanted to vacation a little longer, that’s all…”_

_”Honey, we’ll be back within a week and a few days. Do you think you can manage?”_

_“We’ll see you soon! Bye, son. Take care.”_

Leaning over the pool’s edge, he observes the undulating image of his goggles and cap in the dim light several feet below. Their words echo like liquid inside his head, sloshing from side to side dizzily. He blinks at length, and the ground is removed beneath him; the next thing he’s met with is the harsh slap of water against his skin, through his hair, in his mouth, in his eyes. He coughs underwater before blindly fighting his way to the surface. When he breaks into the cool, dry air, he gasps, reaching for the wall immediately and hooking himself against it. He begins to shiver.

_“Why aren’t you crying oniichan…?”_

Weakly gripping the wall, he scolds himself into the pits of hell. ‘ _That was so stupid.’_ His eyelids lower in ire while he tries to calm himself down _. ‘Trying to swim in this state. Just get your gear and go home.’_

Gathering his remaining strength in a final dare against his fears, he slides under. His hand soon wraps around the gear, and he tries to fight the growing panic that wraps itself around his lungs as he begins to ascend. His legs become heavy to move, and his body refuses to work with him anymore; sinking is the easiest option – the thought lingers longer than he’d have liked.

_“I’ve never seen oniichan cry… Don’t you miss them?!”_

_“They’re..dead…”_

 Bubbles release into the water in front of him involuntarily.

Then, there is a new voice.

_Carve a path into the water. Accept its presence._

_‘Haru…?’_

_Guide yourself through the water. It can’t control you, here._

Just think of Haru. Relax. Think of Haru.

It’ll be okay.

_It’ll be okay…_

After what feels like a century trapped underwater, he breaks the surface once again, feeling less terrified than when he first fell in. Grasping the wall once again, he tries to catch his breath and cease the violent shivering that wracks his muscles, distinctly aware of the tears falling hotly down his face. Placing his hands onto the edge ready to pull himself up, he rises, then loses his grip, slipping back in with a _splash!_

He blinks through the tears and tries again, this time with success, and flops onto the floor with his forearms keeping him up for a few seconds until he lies flat, parallel to the pool, trying to control his breathing until he calms completely.

_‘You can’t be like this. You can’t be like this. This is unacceptable.’_

_‘I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to feel.’_

_‘I don’t_ want _to feel anything.’_

_‘Am I turning numb?’_

_…_

_‘I miss my parents. I miss them_ so _much. They’re not here anymore, and it’s tearing me up inside.’_

_‘Ren and Ran are being so brave. I don’t know how they can do it. I don’t know how they can rely on me. I wouldn’t even rely on myself. I can barely comfort myself.’_

_‘I don’t_ want _to comfort myself.’_

_…_

Minutes pass by, and he stands up and retraces his steps, reaching to grab the towel at the other end of the pool. He’d be lucky if he didn’t catch pneumonia, he thinks with a cough that tastes like saltwater. But right now he does not care – all he has to do is freshen up and not look like complete shit by the time he arrives at Kisumi’s house. Glancing at the clock on the wall, he goes to shower, gets his things together, and leaves for the station with a fraction of the grace he'd left home with.

 

             -                                    -                                    -

 

It’s nearly eleven p.m. when Haruka hears a fumbling at the front door. The sound of a key trying to claim its home goes on for another ten seconds until Haruka looks through the peephole and unlocks the door curiously.

“Makoto.”

Both Ren and Makoto make their way inside, the latter with a stagger, and remove their coats and shoes by simply dumping them onto the floor.

“Oh! Hi, Haru,” comes Makoto’s sweet voice.

Haruka stands still, watching the two walk past him tiredly and into the kitchen. He follows them in, waiting impatiently for a response. When Makoto simply walks over to the counter and picks up a tea mug, and Ren reaches for some cereal, Haruka speaks up. “Where were you?”

“Hm?”

Ren turns his head, glancing over at Haruka without much regard as he begins to pour cereal into a bowl. “Kisumi oniichan’s house. Don’t you remember?”

Haruka blinks, then stares at Makoto, who is now holding the mug with two hands, closer to his face. “Kisumi?” He recalls that Ren was to babysit for a good chunk of the day, but that was it.

“Ah,” comes Makoto’s distracted reply. Haruka wonders what’s so fascinating about that damn mug. “I think I need…coffee…” he mutters to himself while examining the cup closer. He doesn’t get much time to think it over, however; Haruka is now standing next to him, pulling it gently out of his grasp. He freezes halfway when the smell of alcohol from the other becomes apparent.

“How long did you stay?” he asks tentatively.

Makoto turns to him and blinks, unaware of Haruka’s sudden focus on his eyelashes. “A few hours, probably…”

“You told me you were just going swimming.”

“And forget to pick me up?” Ren implies with a mutter, avoiding giving Haruka a dirty look.

Haruka bites back his tongue. “It’s not something I couldn’t have done.”

The boy’s eyebrows knit together before he pauses, leaning with his hand against the counter. “Forget it. You’re not my dad.”

Haruka’s lids flutter open and closed as he looks between the two, and gathers the confidence to impose. “You’re right…I’m not. Now once you’re done eating, go up and shower…then get into bed. …Understood?”

Ren narrows his eyes, then takes his bowl up to his room, away from the two adults.

Once Ren is out of sight, Haruka turns back to his friend, who is currently gazing into space. Something appears to be bothering Ren. “Have fun, Makoto?”

“Hm,” is his reply. “Kisumi is doing well, as is Hayato.”

“Hayato is near the same age as Ran and Ren though, right?”

“Not quite…” Makoto turns his green eyes toward him now. “Hayato is a few years younger. But Ren was watching over their baby cousin with him, together… so, they weren’t alone.” He sighs after a full minute. “Reminds me of us…”

“We’re the same age, though.”

“Hah… you know what I mean.” Makoto chuckles at seeing Haruka’s eyebrows flick upwards.

“Makoto…are you alright?”

The question catches him off guard and Haruka can see it. Makoto takes a few seconds longer than necessary – perhaps because of his inebriated state, Haruka thinks. “Of course,” comes his easy reply.

“Will you tell me if you aren’t?” he asks carefully.

“Yes, Haru.”

At this, Haruka melts at seeing Makoto’s gentle smile, despite himself. Without thinking, he leans in and places a hand on Makoto’s cheek, taking in his soft warmth. “You’re so…” A kind smile makes its way to his lips as he watches Makoto blink tiredly and lean into his cool touch. The smile fades, however, when he suddenly feels Makoto lean closer and close the gap between the faces, nearly touching their noses together. His own cheek is cupped gently, and a soft kiss is planted without hesitation unto his stunned lips.

Makoto pulls away just as easily, murmuring a “Goodnight, Haru,” before making his way with surprising equilibrium to the bedroom. Haruka can hear him crash onto the bed, and then, nothing.

 _‘Shhit…shit, shit—’_ Somewhat breathlessly, Haruka instantly begins to follow, still shocked at what just happened. ‘ _Was that…?’_ His thought is cut off when he sees a flicker of a shadow behind the wall, and finds Ran standing there quietly, unable to meet his gaze. How long has she been there?

She inches away from the kitchen entrance, her expression downcast and body language uncertain. A few seconds pass in tension as Haruka simply waits, until he is finally greeted with the sparkle of her deep, sea green eyes. Her face is more determined, and she looks as if to say something. If Haruka knew Ran as well as Makoto did, he would have been able to see the intent behind her words as clear as day.

“Haruka-oniichan…” she says softly, “Do you want to sleep with me in the living room? Ren looks annoyed and I don’t want to disturb him…”

Haruka notices something linger in her tone. He’d made Ren upset, and now Ran was suffering from it.

He would not be taking up the futon in Makoto’s room tonight, he decides.

“That’s fine with me,” he says, with more confidence than he feels. Somehow, both the twins were upset, Makoto was acting a bit strange – he remembers the peck on his lips just moments prior – more than strange, and Haruka can’t shake the little trails of guilt that seemed to follow him ever since Rin had left.

“Bring some pillows and sheets, and we’ll set up a tent, yeah?” He forces himself to smile, and the smile begins to feel more natural when Ran gives him a small smile back.

“Okay.”

Haruka watches her go upstairs to bring the spare items, then folds his arms, breathing out a sigh. He contemplates the amount of space that Makoto’s family takes up in his heart, and how demanding it is to be physically and emotionally there for all of them so often. The fact that it is probably no different for the three of them does not cross his mind.

_‘Tomorrow is another day.'  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told you the next chapter wasn't so far away ! Sorry for the tears, Im tryna be gentle here... it gets worse before it gets better.
> 
> Do feel free to leave your comments and thoughts below, I really appreciate it! You can also reach me at kjosi.tumblr.com/ask


	4. Chapter 4

That night, Haruka wakes up several times.

Each time, he sits up suddenly, feeling his shirt stick to him with sweat, and then glances over beside him and sees Ran Tachibana sound asleep, sprawled over the blanket in the corner side of the tent. Each time, he huffs out, turning away, trying not to think about his dream – trying not to think about why, so suddenly, does he keep dreaming about the time Makoto had nearly drowned during their training camp in high school.

Those nightmares would haunt Haruka shortly after that trip, and only rarely return a few nights during his years in college. Those nights he had felt very alone.

This night, he sleeps in the Tachibana residence, surrounded by people he loves and who love him. Family.

Haruka would usually dream about the scariest parts of the trip. He would wake up once after finding out that he had been too late – that there was no heartbeat. _Haruka_ _was too late_.

…

Later, he would wake again, from a more normal setting but one that felt equally surreal, equally deadly. He shudders. God, he’d really only hated a hospital when it was someone _else_ who was confined in it.

Haruka goes and washes his face, trying to cool down. He lets the water drip down his face, accepting its soothing feel, and tries to become serene once again. Then he returns to his and Ran’s makeshift tent, and lies down.

…Tent. They had been together in a tent that night. Haruka and Makoto. The second night, after a full day of training, Nagisa had won their game of amida but Haruka had shot him a pleading glare and pulled Makoto into the tent with him, the latter who was apologizing to the younger blond. ‘ _Sorry Nagisa_ ’, he’d said, but Haruka knew he didn’t really mean it.

After all, Haruka _did_ have a reason for wanting to sleep with Makoto that night. But it’s not like he _had_ to, though. …Right? Since when did Haruka ever need a reason for wanting to be with Makoto? Makoto is Makoto…and he is glad for that.

Yet, Haruka could see that something was off about Makoto that day. He was slow and unsteady in his swimming, and even though Haruka figured he was lingering in the back in order to keep an eye on everyone – especially Rei – Haruka thought he was still unusually far behind. ‘ _Sorry, I’m a little dizzy. It’s almost lunch time… Just one more island to go’_ , he’d said. Of course, Haruka was skeptical. Initially he’d thought that maybe Makoto was nervous about being back in the ocean again, even though it was daylight and calm waters, but then… Nagisa had sneezed. And Haruka had wondered…

\--- 

“Makoto, are you not feeling well?” Pausing while they helped Rei and Gou clean up the picnic supplies, he looked underneath those leaf green eyes, noticing a puffiness that hadn’t been there earlier that day.

Looking back at Haruka, he hesitated after an untimely cough, then whispered back with a tense smile while ruffling the back of his hair, “It’s been a long day…”

“…Yeah…”

Later in the night, Haruka felt a breath tickle against the back of his neck, and he realized he was sleeping awfully close to another human being. “Makoto, you’re warm.”

“Yeah,” he replied softly, opening his eyes toward his friend as he slowly awoke. His voice was hard to hear over the sound of the rain hitting the fabric of the tent. “That’s what it feels like.”

Haruka scooted away, leaving a little more distance between them than before. “Do you have a fever? You might be getting sick… I think Nagisa is, too.”

Makoto’s voice was delayed, and he took in a breath after every few words, as if the effort it demanded was more than he could give. “Could be, maybe we both caught something…”

“Makoto?”

“Sorry, it’s just,” Makoto said breathlessly, “It’s hard to talk.”

“Is that why you’ve been so quiet today?” Haruka asked, sitting up all the way this time. Worried, he looked down at Makoto who nodded slowly, as if defeated. “Why didn’t you say something earlier?”

Makoto gave him a look that said, ‘ _I just said it was hard to talk’_.  

Haruka didn’t know what else to say. “Maybe we should tell Amakata-sensei,” he said quietly. He glanced at Makoto’s phone and read the time – _10:30 pm_ , it read. “It’s not too late, we can go wake her up…”

“I should have just slept with Nagisa… or you’ll get sick too.” He looked at him helplessly.

Haruka didn’t know how to respond to that, either, but he knew one thing for sure. Annoyed, he leaned over him. “Stop talking…”

“Anyway I’m so tired…” Makoto wheezed, turning over in the sheets to face away from him. “Let’s just go back to sleep… I’ll go in the morning…”

Haruka blinked, and watched him silently as he closed his eyes again, features settling into a disturbed expression. Makoto always got whiny when he was sick. Right then it was no different – Makoto just couldn’t relax. Instinctively, just as he’d done the past few years during those times, Haruka leaned close and began to pat down his sweat-laced hair, smoothing it away from his face, causing Makoto’s features to visibly soften somewhat, until he fell into a fitful sleep.

Dawn was approaching when Haruka woke again, this time because of a voice. His ocean nightmare faded from his mind as the voice beckoned him back to reality. “Don’t—” he breathed suddenly, gasping a little.

“Haruka… Haru…”

Haruka’s eyes flashed open and he lifted his head, having already been facing his friend, in slumber. Makoto was looking at him, eyelids extremely heavy, hand reaching out toward him pathetically.

“Haru… My head feels really hot and it hurts to breathe…” Makoto’s hand fell in front of Haruka’s chest, just short of reaching to tug at his shirt. “I can’t sleep, it feels like I’m in a race…”

At this, Haruka reached over and actually touched Makoto’s face this time, eyes widening at the heat. He then felt for his pulse, and noted how fast his heart was beating for someone who should have been sleeping just prior. “Makoto, I think—”

Makoto looked very pale, and about to cry. As if voicing Haruka’s thoughts, he cut him off, “Can you take me to the clinic? Please…”

Haruka glanced at the edge of the tent as he listened for any more rain. No…It had stopped. “We should go now. It should be open early.”

“I don’t wanna get up…” Makoto shivered and coughed under his blanket, and covered his face with his hand, burying it from sight. “Ugh, Haru… it feels like I’m gonna _die_ …” he complained.

“What a drama queen,” Haruka said, rolling his eyes, giving him a smile, although a little nervous. The effort worked; Makoto let out a weak laugh. “We can make it.” Haruka was wide awake, and began to help Makoto up, heaving him partially over his shoulder before reaching for the tent flap. “Heavy as ever…” he grunted. “I’m gonna ask Rei to help, okay?”

Haruka could’ve sworn he saw a guilt flicker across his face. “’Kay…”

“Let’s go, Makoto.”

But then his face had softened. “Ah, I really do love you, Haru-chan…”

…

Rei looked anxious at the news. He had glanced over toward Nagisa, who looked equally ashamed.

“Did I… give him that?” Nagisa had asked quietly.

“No –probably not,” Haruka tried to reassure pathetically. “Actually… I told the doctor about…the ocean, us – the day before.” He glanced to the side. “She thinks it’s because of that.”

“That’s true,” Rei had said thoughtfully after a few seconds. “Pneumonia is not an uncommon complication after a near-drowning experience. That could have been me, if Nagisa hadn’t saved me on time.” He then suddenly looked very self-conscious, and averted his eyes from Haruka, settling them on Nagisa’s shoulder. “I’m…really sorry, Haruka-senpai.”

“It’s not your fault…” Haruka countered stoically. “He should have gone to be seen yesterday. … _I_ should have taken him to be seen, yesterday.”

Nagisa sneezed into his elbow. Rei had then handed him a tissue, which the other had gratefully accepted. “No, I should have gone and then also taken Mako-chan with me.”

“Pneumonia is different from a regular cold, Nagisa… Plus it’s not like you would have gone to the clinic, anyway. You and Makoto are both the same,” he retorted. Haruka glanced towards where Makoto’s room was, his look turning to one of worry. “Selfless to the point of being selfish.”

…

Later, it turned out that Makoto had to be hospitalized for a day...or was it two? Three? Haruka couldn’t remember. The doctors were giving him something to fight the infection, Haruka knew. He still felt terribly sad and lonely without Makoto after school, and had gone to visit him only every other day, both at the hospital and then at home. He’d give his homework to his mother, making an excuse on those other days, because he couldn’t bear to see Makoto miserable and suffering—

 _“Thanks, Haru… for keeping track of my homework for me…I really appreciate it,”_ Makoto had said on the third day, looking barely alive, but smiling like an idiot. Haruka could only turn away, muttering a vague thanks with hidden tears in his eyes, because—

Haruka couldn’t bear it because it made _himself_ miserable. Haruka had sort of saved him, but then it wasn’t enough? Makoto had slipped from his grasp once again, and it was totally out of Haruka’s control. He thinks back on their conversation:

_“How is the swim club doing? How is…Nagisa, is he feeling better now…?”_

_“Shut up, Makoto. Nagisa got better like… three days ago.”_

A weak, drawn out chuckle _. “But it’s only…been three days.”_

Haruka bit his lip, trying not to smile back at this pathetic creature. _“Gou plans on spiking your food with protein powder for the next week, y’know. Since you aren’t able to eat or move much. This week.”_

Makoto mustered up a face of disgust and despair, voice laced with betrayal _. “Why, Gou-chan…”_

The other boy smirked. _“I agree with her.”_

His face fell. _“Et tu, Haruka…?”_

This time Haruka smiled without inhibition, but he couldn’t be sure if Makoto was registering it, because his gaze had moved away by then. _“No, it’s ok… That shit is gross to everyone except Nagisa.”_ Green eyes returned back at him, once again. _“I’ll save you, Makoto… don’t worry.”_

Makoto’s face became stippled with whatever pink he had, and he gave the goofiest grin. _“My savior.”_

…

Back home, Haruka slid under the bathwater for the thirtieth minute that night before resurfacing again.

“My savior…” he echoed into the room, alone.

_“I really love you, Haru-chan.”_

Ugh. _Ugh_.

What did that even _mean_ , coming from Makoto? Makoto loves everybody. Had that been his way of saying thanks? Did Makoto even know what he _said_? Or had he been on the brink of delirium? What the fuck. Just what the fuck.

Haruka was sure by then, that he knew he loved Makoto. Like, _loved_ him. He just didn’t know how to handle it. How to tell him. And now with Rin in the picture, screwing around with their friendship while Haruka tried to save him from himself, he just couldn’t focus on his own feelings. Too much going on… But Makoto wasn’t going anywhere. There was plenty of time to tell him. Or _did_ he even have to tell him? Makoto could always read his mind. Makoto should figure it out sooner or later… yes. Everything would be just fine.

        -                                    -                                    -

Haruka blinks slowly at his high school memories, getting unnecessarily emotional over it all. It’s over. High school is over, he and Makoto had gone to universities in Tokyo to study, and now he’s in Iwatobi for a little while. He tries to close his eyes again but when he does, he suddenly feels Makoto’s warmth against his lips. His eyes open wide again, refusing to allow himself to think about it.

Not yet. Not yet.

 

* * *

 

It’s morning when Makoto becomes aware of the sunlight like a slap to the face. He pulls the covers back over his scrunched up eyes and begins to actually squeal when another force pulls on them, yanking them away from his grasp once again. “Geez, Rin!” he huffs in exasperation, still half-asleep. “Five more minutes!”

“Wake up, Makoto,” comes Haru’s unexpectedly loud voice.

There is a pause. Slowly, Makoto’s eyes open, and he sits up, squinting at the dark-haired man before him. “Haruka?” he asks almost incredulously. And then it hits him – he’s not dreaming anymore. He’s not in Tokyo. It’s not Rin at six a.m. trying to wake him up to join him for his morning jog, to which Makoto would reluctantly agree and then Rin make fun of him for wearing himself out before class even started. The dream fades faster than he thinks possible, and he’s met with an unreadable gaze.

“Nostalgic dream?” Haruka asks, pulling off the covers completely, exposing Makoto to the chill of the room. He then folds them, without looking once at him.

“I guess you could say that…” Makoto replies, sitting up completely. He then winces, ducking his head ever so slightly, and leans his elbows over his knees. Damn, Kisumi had gotten them both drunk real fast; he’d had to stop himself from falling asleep on the train last night if he wanted to keep an eye on Ren. Just recovering from the flu wasn’t helping any, either. Makoto counts at least three stupid things he had done yesterday.

 _Hangover?_ Haruka thinks. It’s not something Makoto is accustomed to, as he hardly touches a drink, and when he does, he usually does so in moderation… _mostly_. Nagisa and Rin both know this well. Haruka himself is not exactly a lightweight, either, but he can count on two hands the number of times that he and Makoto had come early from a party and spent the night together, more than tipsy, staring into each other’s eyes like idiots while pouring their hearts out about the most mundane shit… and then passing out within arms’ reach of each other on the floor, textbooks tucked away, untouched, completely forgotten until the next afternoon. Six of those ten days had occurred only recently, within the past year or so.

Haruka smiles fondly at the memory, and then flicks his attention back to Makoto.

“Had a little more than you could take?” comes Haruka’s voice once again.

“Occasionally,” Makoto replies with an embarrassed grin as he removes himself from the bed with relative ease, and then a slight stagger.

“You look good,” Haruka deadpans as Makoto passes him on his way to the bathroom.

Makoto only turns to shoot him a lingering pout, then turns his glare away when Haruka’s lips begin to curve upward again. He shuts the door and turns on the faucet. “So why are you here so early?” His voice is curious, muffled from behind the door.

 _It’s not early_ , Haruka almost says. He stands outside the bathroom, leaning against the wall as he gazes out the window. “Well I stayed the night…” He doesn’t say the words coming to his mind: Well, Ran was upset last night. Well, you were still sick and for some reason didn’t want me to come with you while you swam. Well, you also _kissed_ me while possibly _drunk?_ —

The faucet stops running. “Oh?”

Haruka can almost feel Makoto’s gaze on him. “I don’t have work today.”

“Oh, I see.”

Haruka straightens up as the door handle turns and Makoto exits the bathroom looking plenty refreshed. He watches Makoto effortlessly reach for his cell phone from the edge of his bed to plug it in for charging, looking vaguely curious as to why it was not already plugged in. He watches Makoto flip the phone open first, probably out of habit, and then pause, raising his eyebrows.

“Nagisa…” he hears him mumble, then cough. “Oh…he called again?” Makoto raises his head to look at Haruka – _You picked up?_ he asks with his eyes.

“I tried to wake you…” Haruka says with a huff of mild annoyance.

“What did he say?”

“Nothing…he just wanted to talk to you.”

“Okay, I see. I’ll call him back, soon.” Makoto wonders what Nagisa could have wanted at seven in the morning. He doesn’t have much time to consider it, because Haruka doesn’t waste a second.

He thinks of Makoto’s exclamation upon awakening. _‘What are you doing what are you doing what are you—’_ “You know, it’s okay… that you and Rin had a relationship.”

Makoto spins around, feeling his shoulders freeze up. It takes him a moment to regain his composure, and force aside the pounding in his head. He had clearly not expected Haruka to bring up such a topic so randomly. “O-ok. Um… Why do you say that?”

Haruka shrugs. Of course, considering last night, this isn’t random for him at all. “Dunno. You both needed love. Rin certainly did,” he adds without thought.

“…What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Maybe you know this, maybe you don’t…” Haruka starts off, clutching the wall behind his back. _Stop, stop stop_ — “I think Rin had a thing for me when we were younger – before Yamazaki transferred to Samezuka. Though after that, he hardly called me.”

“You never picked up, did you?” It is more of a statement, Haruka notes.

Haruka shakes his head. “You may think I’m oblivious, but with Rin that’s impossible… You remember when Rin and I went to Australia, during our last year in high school?” He pauses – as if he could ever forget that. “It’s not what you think.”

Makoto gives him a look, one that says, _I’m not thinking anything, Haru._

Haruka averts his eyes, having been caught in his own implications. After all, he could read Makoto as well as Makoto could for him. “Rin has always been a huge flirt. His feelings for me were obvious during childhood, but I’d wholly rejected him and always looked to you for escape. Mostly because it was confusing for me. Rin overwhelmed me in more ways than I thought possible. But then he left, and nothing felt the same anymore…” He tries to ignore his middle school days resurfacing all over again, and speeds up the story.

“I met his host family there. In Australia. Later, Rin and I shared a bed. At a hotel. Management must have mistaken us for a couple… Rin’s girly name and all.” Eyebrows raised, he lets out an unprecedented snicker, then looks up honestly. “Anyway… we did a lot of talking. What I got from our talks is that, like you, and Rei, and Nagisa, he was trying to help me. To motivate me… to find my inspiration, for what I wanted to go and do with my life.”

He suddenly gets self-conscious, realizing he hasn’t spoken this much at once in a while. He watches Makoto use his pause to lean over and reach for the thermometer on the nightstand, pop it in his mouth and wait a few seconds before it beeps, and then remove it, glancing down at its result with dismay. Haruka sees Makoto’s signature splatter of annoyance freckle his face as well when he puts the object back in its place, or is that his imagination? Haruka’s lips twitch upward, anyway.

“In doing so, he’d also let on in his own way that he’d sort of had a crush on me for a while, but I could tell from the way he spoke that he hadn’t really known what it was that he’d seen in me at first; he’d seen me as this goal, as his inspiration, as his own motivation to drive himself forward. And later, he realized that his heart hadn’t actually been set on obtaining… my romantic affections. While we talked, it became obvious that he was letting his old feelings go, acknowledging them for what they had truly been,” he continues slowly, carefully. He watches Makoto as he speaks every syllable, hoping for some betrayal in his expression, but from here he just looks patient, kind, and attentive. Comfortable, as if this is not news to him.

Well, good so far, anyway.

“And…he knew that he still wanted to pursue me, but in a different way… in just the same way I still pursue him.” A small smile makes its way to his face, and he forgets to note Makoto’s reaction. The smile then disappears as he collects his thoughts once more, and he sets his eyes straight at Makoto, determined to make his intentions loud and clear. _Say it,_ say _it –_ “But, Rin wouldn’t have said such things if – …Maybe Rin hadn’t actually known…that I had my eyes on—” He takes a deep breath.  “On –”

“Rin very much loves Sosuke,” Makoto says with a genuine smile. “You’re right. He didn’t know right away, either. But looking back, it’s impossible not to see that Sosuke holds a special part of Rin’s heart, a reserved place that I couldn’t enter, refused to enter. Because now, I see… and I believe Sosuke is the one who should realize…whom it was that Rin has always had eyes for.” He trails off.

Haruka’s mouth hangs open. His resolve to finish what he’d started quickly crumbles out of doubt. Had Makoto interrupted him on purpose? Had he known what he was going to say? What about last night’s kiss? Haruka feels his neck immediately warm like fire against his will, remembering the soft touch of Makoto against his lips, the gentle hand over his cheek, the way their noses had almost touched –

A quick glance toward Makoto shows no promise. Haruka decides that he must have forgotten. Makoto’s shining green eyes are cast down, to the side, as if he is trapped in a place that even Haruka is not allowed entry. It frustrates Haruka to realize that all of Makoto can’t be _his_. But he thinks to choose to respect his boundaries, with trails of guilt, knowing that there must have been numerous times where Makoto had tried to reach out to him but Haruka had outright refused.

“Makoto…are you over Rin?” The question falls off his tongue like tumbling bricks down a sandy hill. Messy, dry, uncalled for. Heavy. He immediately regrets the stupidity of his question when he sees the quiet, shocked look on Makoto’s face. But his regret conflicts with his inner desire to provoke Makoto – to make him _feel_ something, to make him realize how much Makoto had hurt him, in his confusion.

Makoto answers him quietly, with a small smile appearing on his lips as he speaks, “I am. I guess…I’m not sure how it comes off to others, but I don’t wish to be with Rin like that, anymore. I’m not sure I ever did…?” This time, his statement is more of a question, laced with uncertainty.

“Why?” Haruka blurts out, faster than intended. God, would he just shut up? “You two always looked so perfect for each other, and happy… You had the perfect relationship.”

Makoto doesn’t waste time in bringing his eyes to meet Haruka’s deep pools, and he speaks as if explaining something simple to a child, “Haru, no relationship is perfect. I don’t know where you got the idea that everything was perfectly simple and happy between us.”

Haruka raises his eyebrows in confusion. How could a person who loved another possibly _leave_ them? It’s not something Haruka can understand. Why would you bother to be in a relationship like that, only to have it end months later? If two people get together, it should be because they want to stay together to the end. Otherwise it’s a waste of time, effort, and… heart. It baffles him _completely_. “Did… did you love him?”

He _has_ to know.

Makoto’s expression becomes a little pained, a little fearful. “…I can’t answer that, Haru.”

But Rin is a great friend. Makoto is always so nurturing. They’re both so positive and warm it makes Haruka’s heart _clench_. “But… the two of you—”

“Why do you care?” Makoto cries suddenly, pulse pounding through his brain. Distressed, he rakes his hand through his olive brown hair, and darts his gaze away.

Haruka doesn’t expect the exasperation in his question, nor the put-off look in Makoto’s eyes – a jaded expression he had forgotten existed all these years. There seem to be a whirlwind of emotions swirling within him, but Haruka can’t read any of it. He begins to feel desperation cling in his chest, like he can’t grasp Makoto. He’s right in front of him, but in this moment he feels miles away.

He’s sure he can feel a stone drop in his gut. Was he pushing too far? Is this what it felt like for Makoto every time he had tried to understand Haruka?

Makoto realizes that he must have done something very wrong, because he quickly looks away, biting his lip, as if the sight of Haruka’s expression brought forward something of himself that he’d buried so far into the back of his mind. “I’m sorry.”

Haruka is wide-eyed. _For what?_ he asks with his eyes, despite knowing the answer.

“For being an idiot…”

“You’re not an idiot…”

Makoto notices his heart his beginning to thump at a dizzying pace, and there is a warmness in his face. He just wants to lie down all over again. What did he do to deserve Haruka?

…And why is he thinking like this? _Deserve_ Haruka?

“I’m sorry for prying,” Haruka apologizes with confidence this time, knowing that if he appears any smaller than he does right now, Makoto won’t be able to talk to him without being afraid that he’d crush him. “It’s just…by the way you’ve been acting, I don’t want you to get hurt. Not you or Rin. To me, it looks like…it just looks like you’d still jump on the chance to be with him again—”

Makoto turns his head toward him, blinking away the butterflies from his chest, and out of his eyes. “I can’t—”

“—If you could,” he finishes, clarifying his assertion with increasing confidence, motivated by the ease that Makoto finally seems to be opening up to him.

Makoto looks at him now with a gaze unwavering; it makes Haruka feel like the ground has just been swept from underneath his feet. “Haru, I can’t go back to Rin. I won’t go back to Rin. He’s not what I need, and I’m not what he needs. Not anymore. It’s just…” His tone becomes quiet. “He was my first relationship, and…we didn’t end badly. You should know…how much I care for my friendships…”

“I know…” Haruka agrees. He knows, because he is the same way. He watches Makoto appear conflicted about continuing, but it’s like he can’t stop, like he’s been meaning to talk about this with someone, like even though he’s explaining it to Haruka, he’s also explaining it to himself.

“It’s hard to stop thinking about someone a certain way just because the circumstances don’t allow it. We’re still friends, really good friends. And we’ll always be there for each other. But I think we both know that we aren’t good for each other in the way we want to be…if we’re going to head into the future the way we are, now.” He speaks as if from memory, like reciting lines from a conversation long ago.

Haruka nods slowly, although he still doesn’t quite understand.

Makoto’s tone is soft, and honest. “Besides…I don’t think I have any heart left to give.”

Haruka’s mind comes to a screeching halt.

“I don’t think I could handle being in a relationship right now.”

Haruka’s heart is pounding. He can feel his lips move, and his voice sounds foreign to his ears as he speaks. “Oh …”

“I just want to make things normal for Ran, Ren…and me,” Makoto finishes, and looks up to meet Haruka’s eyes earnestly. If anything betrays Haruka’s expression, Makoto doesn’t appear to catch it. Haruka briefly wonders if he’s truly been frozen.

How dare he think he could have a relationship with Makoto? What made him think that Makoto even wanted it?

_The kiss, the kiss, the kiss –_

It didn’t count. Maybe it had only been a dream.

—In the background, Makoto’s phone rings. The call is quickly ignored to silence, and its owner tries to catch the other man’s attention with his eyes, looking as if to say something—

No – but, Makoto even said it just now; he’s not ready for a relationship. His life had just fallen apart not too long ago, and he needs time to sort himself and his priorities. Haruka puts aside the selfish fear that he is not a priority to Makoto, and exhales a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding.

This is not a rejection. Makoto hadn’t rejected him.

Haruka already begins to feel better. He examines Makoto’s figure as he examines his own heart, hoping that in their usual way, Makoto can read what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling.

The feeling begins to grow until his cell phone buzzes and fills the room with its temperate ring. Pulling it from his pocket, he checks the caller ID and brings it up to his ear without hesitation, welcoming the distraction. Sticking his hand into his pocket, he lets his gaze linger on Makoto’s questioning eyes before walking out the room, and settles for the couch downstairs. He notices Ren and Ran beside him, both watching a cartoon underneath the last night’s makeshift tent. He smiles.

“Rei?”

_“Yes, Haruka-senpai.”_

“Drop the –senpai.”

_“Haruka –”_

“Just ‘Haru’ is fine.”

_“Ha…Haru…Haruka, there’s something I need to speak with you about.”_

Haruka brings his hand to his forehead. “Yes, Rei?”

_“Actually…it’s about Nagisa.”_

“Nagisa?” he repeats, recalling the numerous texts and missed calls to Makoto’s phone.

_“Shh! …Yes.”_

Haruka wonders how Rei could assume he was not alone, then he remembers that in fact, it was nothing out of the ordinary. Was it just Nagisa being a blabbermouth, or was he really that transparent? “…What about him?”

_“He…He’s acting strange! He won’t talk to me lately, but he seems to be his usual self…”_

“Then what’s the problem?”

_“I don’t know…”_

“Maybe you two need a break.”

 _“A break?!”_ Haruka notes his scandalized tone with amusement _. “We live in the same apartment! Plus, one doesn’t simply ‘take a break’ from Nagisa!”_

“Your love for him is admirable, Rei,” he says drily.

 _“_ H _-_ Ha _ruka...”_

He cringes once more at hearing his full name without the nostalgic suffix. But this was Rei… he’d just have to get used to it. “Are we done?”

_“It’s only been two minutes!”_

“Two minutes is a long time.”

 _“Maybe for you…”_ Haruka pouts at his tone. _“Anyway, Nagisa has informed me that Rin-san is back?!”_

“For a little while. I don’t know what his plans are. And Rei. Stop being so formal.”

_“Right. Anyway, is Makoto there? I also have a question to ask—”_

“What makes you think I’m with Makoto?”

Rei has the decency to sound flustered. _“Well, I just assumed that—”_

Haruka shakes his head. “Never mind. What was it you wanted to ask?”

_“If he’s there, then I’d rather ask—”_

“Then just call him.”

_“What! But can’t you just hand him the phone?”_

“He’s busy,” Haruka answers briskly. As if on cue, he hears the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs.

Rei audibly sighs _. “We’re having a problem with the landlady…”_

Haruka does not refrain from rolling his eyes. “Don’t worry about her. Nobody likes her.”

_“That’s rude!”_

“She doesn’t like anybody, either.” Haruka knows it’s a waste to console him with that bit of information, as it would only cause Rei’s inner streak of politeness to shine harder at the provocation. In some ways, Rei is similar to Makoto. They both have very honest qualities about them that neither he nor Nagisa care much to maintain. Like Nagisa, Haruka is honest only when it suits his needs.

When he hears Rei speak next, Haruka is suddenly hit with the realization that maybe Makoto and Rei are like them, too, but perhaps just exert more self-control, along with their signature genuine compassion:

_“…I am hoping to get on her good side, nonetheless.”_

“Why?” Haruka asks, before a sinking feeling develops in his stomach. His eyes widen. Yes, Rei is definitely holding something back. “Rei…are you having trouble with the bills?” he asks, hoping his tone isn’t as stunned as he feels. “Because it’s a really small apartment, even alone Makoto could afford to —” He cuts himself off sharply as he hears Makoto pass through the living room and straight into the kitchen.

“Tea?” he calls.

Haruka covers the bottom of the phone and confirms, “Please.” He hears the water from the faucet shut off and the stove click on, followed by a small clang.

“Got it,” comes Makoto’s smooth voice. “Morning, Ran, Ren.”

“Morning, oniichan,” his siblings greet in unison from beside Haruka.

 _“-ruka,”_ Haruka catches as he puts the phone back to his ear, _“Was that Makoto? Please give the phone to him!”_

“Like hell! Why don’t you just call him, then, Rei?” he whispers back without pity. “And you didn’t answer my question—”

“Ah, is that Rei?” Makoto interrupts, leaning against the kitchen entrance, arms folded and with an easy smile.

Haruka freezes. “Yes. He was just saying _bye_ ,” he emphasizes into the phone. There is no way he is going to allow Makoto to be burdened even further.

_“Haru—!”_

“Is he busy? I’d just like to say hi, if that’s okay.”

Makoto’s contented stare and easygoing demeanor causes the switch to flip; Haruka pauses with the phone halfway between his ear and his hip, glancing from Makoto back to the now-warm object. “No…” he says in defeat. “He’s not.” With a small sigh, he walks toward Makoto and tosses him the phone, entering the kitchen while exiting the conversation for good.

“Ah, Rei?” Haruka hears Makoto’s tone brighten significantly. He opts to listen in for a moment. “How are you? I actually have a question for you…”

“Haha, has he…?”

“Oh…”

“Rei…”

“I see…”

Haruka tunes out and turns on the faucet scornfully and washes his hands, not wanting to listen to Makoto’s voice as it becomes softer, laced with endless concern. Fuck it. Rei told him. And now Makoto would be worrying about having dumped his lease onto Nagisa and Rei when they might not have been ready despite them having said that they were, and then Makoto will have to deal with the lease separately, and Haruka _knows_ that Makoto won’t be able to afford paying for both the apartment and the bills in his own home.

“—Rei’s brother—”

Haruka is interrupted from his thoughts when Makoto’s voice is suddenly right beside him, and his own hand feeling like it’s on fire. His eyes widen as he pulls his hand out from under the scalding water, then looks up at Makoto, who’s wearing an expression of alarm.

“Haru?” His voice tunes in clearly and it’s full of all the concern Haru doesn’t want. Makoto reaches gently for the hand that Haruka cradles, and places it back underneath the faucet, but with the lever set all the way to ‘cold’. “Here…”

Haruka looks at Makoto and then back to their hands under the water. Both of their hands. Sharing the cold stream of water like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Another glance at Makoto reveals that he, too, is staring at their hands, as if lost in the beauty of the simple sight.

“It’s cold now…” His voice is smaller than he intended. He hates it – he sounds tiny, and Makoto shouldn’t be the one overlooking him, protecting him, still holding his hand like this…

A flash of courage sparks Haruka’s heart, and he pulls out from the water, squeezing Makoto’s hand tight, closing the distance between them quick. He knows what to do.

“Makoto, I –”

_‘Don’t have any heart left to give.’_

He stops dead in his tracks, freezing under Makoto’s worried gaze, who’s looking at him so tenderly and with care. It causes Haruka’s heart an unbearable ache. Makoto is not looking at him like a lover… he still sees him only as a friend. It’s his same, usual caring look that he gives everyone. Haruka casts his eyes downward, and bites his cheek in hurt.

“Haru? Are you okay?” Makoto squeezes Haruka’s hand. “Does it hurt?” He suddenly lets go of his hand, obviously thinking he’s made it worse with the contact. “Sorry.”

“Yeah. I’m fine,” Haruka says, forcing the thickness out of his tone. He swallows the lump in his throat. He can’t burden Makoto with his feelings. If Makoto says he’s not ready for a relationship, then Haruka will have to wait. It’s that simple.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note- To be clear, this does not completely follow post-canon, as determined by Haru not having chosen pro-swimming, as well as the usage of the themes in the Future Fish AU. So to mention Rin’s and Haru’s heart-to-heart about their dreams and career choices, and to have Haru not follow his canon choice after having those conversations would be disrespectful to the story and his character development. Therefore, accordingly certain details about what happened in Australia may be different or left out, in order to reflect the Haru that I am representing in this fic.
> 
> Sorry for the later-than-expected update! It's been hectic lately. Hope you enjoyed, please feel free to leave a comment below or message me at kjosi.tumblr.com/ask


	5. Chapter 5

It’s not that simple.

Makoto has gone back to work, with Haruka changing his own hours so that he works every day, but gets most afternoons off. Ran and Ren are steadily improving their grades and have already caught up or been excused from the time they took off from school. Makoto doesn’t appear to be having nightmares anymore, either…but Haruka can’t be sure, seeing as how he’s been spending most nights at his own house. It’s almost like everything is back to normal, except for one thing.

Haruka is pining real fucking hard, and it feels like Makoto is torturing him.

He breathes out, placing his fist against the wall near the front door. _How can I tell Makoto that I want him to melt under me as I fuck him against this very wall?_ Even inside his head, his voice is low and strangled with unwelcome desire, and he briefly contemplates taking these thoughts up to his bedroom if he can’t force himself to stop thinking about it – because _this_ Makoto has no place in his mind, has no place in being the object of Haru’s sexual fantasies… If Makoto isn’t aware of Haruka’s feelings, how could Haruka taint Makoto in such a way? But, Rin…

Rin.

Haruka’s mind is quickly made up for him as his competitive drive takes the opportunity to seize Makoto and shove him back into his fantasies. If Rin had had him, then so could he.

In his mind, Makoto is seizing him by the shirt, pinning him against the wall, taking in his mouth whole, not allowing him to take a single breath because Haruka needs Makoto to take away every last breath he has left. He imagines gripping Makoto’s back, flipping him around and pressing himself hard against him, unbuckling his belt and feeling Makoto’s muscles tense under him with every touch…

Already more than half hard from his wildly indecent thoughts, he begins to make his way upstairs when he hears the doorbell ring. He freezes in his tracks, all desire quickly swept under the rug from the idea of being caught in such a state. He runs to the bathroom to splash some cold water over himself as he hears the bell ring for a second time. He skips using a towel and walks absentmindedly toward the door, trying to wipe away all traces that Makoto has made any recent trips to his mind – forget about any _indecent_ ones.

He goes to slide open the door and his mind doesn’t even think that it couldn’t be Makoto because Makoto never rings twice, and freezes when he sees a different, but all-too-familiar face.

 

* * *

 

“Oniichan!”

Makoto winces at the tone of his brother, and stands up, setting down the newspaper and pen clumsily onto the dining table. “Yes, Ren…” He misses the silent notifications of a text message from one of his university friends, and one from his lawyer.

“Oniichan…”

“Just a second, Ren!” he calls from downstairs. By the time he makes it upstairs, he sees the boy standing outside the bathroom door with a pout on his face. Makoto doesn’t have the energy to ask what’s wrong.

“Ran is taking too long for a shower! And I wanted to go first, but she ran in first, instead…”

Makoto places his right hand against the wall. “You could have gone first, Ren. I’ve been telling you both to hurry up and shower since…” He glances at his watch. “An hour ago.”

“I still have homework to do, too…”

Makoto blinks. “What? You said you were finished. In fact… you haven’t asked me to check it, yet.”

“That’s because I’m not finished yet…” Ren looks away, avoiding Makoto’s now stern gaze. “Besides, I want to shower, now.”

Makoto sighs, and knocks on the door. “Ran, I know you can hear your brother. Don’t take too long, okay?” He hears a groan from inside.

“It’s Ren’s fault he didn’t go earlier!”

“That’s because I was still doing my homework!” The brown-haired boy retorts, crossing his arms.

“Ren, go back and finish your homework while you wait.”

“Okay…” With a dejected walk, he disappears into his shared room.

When Makoto’s sure he’s gone back to his schoolwork, he sighs, peeling his hand from off the wall. God, he is so tired. His life has been nothing but dealing with kids all day, every day – at work, and at home. He can hardly believe how someone like Haruka might manage it, and he certainly knows Rin isn’t the type, despite his big brother complex. So why someone like Makoto…

He doesn’t waste any more time thinking about it, knowing the types of thoughts that would appear very quickly afterward.

An hour passes and Ren and Ran have both finished their homework and taken their showers. It’s 10 p.m. Good. Time to get them to bed.

He nearly smacks his hand against his forehead. Damn. He’d forgotten to give them dinner. He hadn’t been hungry at all, and the twins hadn’t mentioned food, either.

As if on cue, Ran’s voice enters the kitchen as she peeps her head in. “Oniichan…are we eating dinner, tonight?”

Makoto’s mouth falls open slightly, filled with shame. “Of course we are.” He stands up, reaching towards the fridge. “Hm…what would you like?”

Ren pops into the kitchen, as well, standing beside his sister. “Soup!”

Ran turns to him, frowning. “Rice and ham!”

“You’re just going to take my ham…” Ren whines.

“Ren, don’t make assumptions,” Makoto cuts in, and waits for them to resolve their petty argument.

Ran looks up at her older brother with big eyes. “But I don’t want soup.”

“You like Haru-chan’s soup,” Ren reminds her as if she’d forgotten her own name.

“Only his soup,” she resolves in agreement.

Makoto stares into the fridge. “Ah! Here we are.” He pulls out a container of leftover soup from two days ago when Haruka had last visited. ‘ _What would I do without you, Haru.’_ “I have some, but there’s no more mackerel left in it.”

“I bet Haru-chan ate it all,” Ran giggles.

“Silly, he didn’t eat any of it. Which means…” Makoto slides his eyes towards his brother. “Ren must have eaten it all.” The flush on his face paints him guilty, and Ran’s mouth drops.

“You didn’t save any for us, Ren!”

“You always take my meat!” he whines guiltily.

“But now there’s none left for oniichan.” Her eyebrows raise with concern.

“Oh…” Ren looks up apologetically. “Sorry.”

“Ran, don’t say things like that. Don’t worry about it, Ren.” Makoto then smiles, hoping it doesn’t come off as exasperated as he feels. His heart clenches. “Anyway, I’ll just cook some eggs to go with it.” He recalls a cooking session he’d had with everyone during his last year in high school. Gou had everyone assembled at Haruka’s house to learn how to get protein into their diets properly, of course, much of it came from her older brother’s knowledge. Rin was rather smug when he’d found out that his sister was using him as something for the others to model after. He chuckles to himself, and finds some plates to empty the eggs onto once they’re cooked, setting them beside the soup bowls on the table.

“Ahh!”

“It looks so good!”

Makoto sets himself in front of his food, as well.

They say thanks for the meal, and eat in relative silence, to Makoto’s surprise. They must be tired. Soon they are finished with their food, and Makoto stands up to collect the dishes, glancing at the oven clock with dismay. _10:32_ , it reads. “Guys,” he says in slightly chiding tone, mostly to himself, “Next time, let’s eat dinner earlier, yeah? Time yourselves so that you have everything done before eight o’clock, or if you want we can eat at six-thirty, instead.”

“What if we forget?” Ren asks, stopping halfway out the kitchen.

“Then you don’t get any dinner, obviously,” Ran says, matter-of-factly, pushing him gently toward the exit. “Oniichan can’t think for you, too.”

Makoto almost smiles, noting how much like their mother she is. He watches them leave, and hears them go upstairs to get ready for bed. ‘ _Mom… they’re doing so well.’_ A stinging in his eyes makes him question, how could kids be so strong?

Then he remembers he had never used to cry much during his own childhood, either. So why is he crying, now?

He wipes the tear away, and settles back into the chair with his newspaper, skipping the classifieds this time and decides on the English crossword, in hopes of distracting his mind. Twenty minutes later, he’s solved just under half of it and decides to work on it a few more minutes before giving up and calling it a night.

**Across**

  1. Refreshing; bringer of new beginnings; blossoms abound.



_‘Spring.’_

**Down**

  1. Eighth element; by-product of photosynthesis.



_‘Oxygen.’_

It’s not until he blinks that he realizes what he’s written in both boxes.

_‘ Haruka.’_

_‘ Haruka.’_

He places his pen down, and sits back against the chair, rubbing his face tiredly. He almost doesn’t reach for his phone, almost doesn’t select Haruka’s name, almost doesn’t text him ‘goodnight’.

Except he does, and he falls asleep carelessly at the table with his phone still in hand, waiting for his reply.

 

* * *

 

 

“Yo, Haru.”

“Rin.” He stands, momentarily locked in place as his body struggles to keep up with his mind, which itself is hardly matched against the sight in front of him.

Rin breezes past him, leaving the front door and Haruka’s jaw open, and doesn’t turn around until he’s reached the edge of the main room. He watches the other expectantly.

Haruka takes a moment to collect himself. “…You could have called,” he says, hoping he doesn’t sound as strained as he feels. His eyes involuntarily wander over Rin’s body, which has already been shed of its overcoat, and now, shirt.

“Your house is fucking hot, Haru,” Rin says with a _tsk_ , straightening his black undershirt. He dumps the other two items of clothing onto the floor and folds his arms. “It’s not _that_ cold outside.”

Haruka removes his eyes reluctantly from Rin’s biceps and wills his legs to move forward. “Makoto last set the thermostat,” he explains. Goddammit. Why did Rin have to interrupt him at such a time? Right when he’s feeling horny as hell and here comes Rin storming in, looking sexy as hell.

“Your face is dripping wet… it’s getting your shirt wet, also,” Rin notes as Haruka moves towards him. “If you get hot, you really should just set the thermostat to how you want it, you know. Makoto’s body is good for a lot of things but definitely not regulating his temperature. And it’s your house, so I don’t think he’d mind if you –” He stops short, keenly observing the way Haruka’s facial muscles are tensed, as if trying to keep himself under control. 

Why does Rin have to stand right there, looking totally open, standing in his usual suggestive manner? And then talk about Makoto’s _body_? Being good for _a lot of Things_? He fails to notice in time that Rin has stopped his speech and is looking at him intently. Fails to notice in time that Rin’s eyes have already fallen to his lower front. Shit.

Instead of an incredulous, sly comment that he might have received in the past, _‘Are you hard?’_ to which Haruka would have responded with a deadpan _‘No shit’_ , Rin simply lowers his voice and almost looks…mortified and – if Haruka squints – in awe. “Haru…am I interrupting something?”

Haruka stands there in hazy shock, trying to process Rin’s implications.

“Is Makoto here?” he emphasizes.

“Wha – no!” Haruka chokes out, not commenting on the fact that Rin had been staring at the front of his pants.

Rin gives him a skeptical look that slowly turns incredulous. “Wow, Haru. You’ve really...” A smile teases across his lips. “I didn’t even know this was possible for you. Let me guess… Makoto’s busy with the kids and has no time to sate you.”

“…Yes and no,” Haruka finds himself admitting, to his surprise.

Rin raises an eyebrow. “Meaning…?” He tries to read his face, still in awe at how Makoto had learned to decipher him by the time they were in high school.

Haruka says the words as if he were speaking a foreign language. “We’re not together.”

If Rin had been consuming a beverage at the moment, he is sure it would have landed all over Haruka’s floor. “What? Seriously…?” Here he was, coming to check on their relationship only to find out… that there was none?

Haruka fights the competitive edge out of his voice, but it’s hard, given the circumstances that _he’s_ hard, and just wants Rin to leave him in peace. “What? Did you want to join in?” he grits out.

Rin busts out laughing, all caring and kindness lost from his voice as he takes on a seductive expression and tone. “If you could get Makoto to agree to it, I’m all up for it.”

Haruka bites back a sigh. “You’re probably the only one who could convince him.”

“What?” Rin blinks, taken aback that Haruka had actually seemed to consider it. “I was only half-joking. Makoto and I were never actually that intimate, you know.”

“So you were half-serious, then,” he says sardonically while he actually thinks about what Rin said. Haruka thinks about questioning him, but brushes him off, still very aware of his neglected, diminishing boner. He doesn’t need Rin showing off how close he and Makoto had gotten in the past. Feeling Rin staring at him still, he says throatily, “It’ll go away.” As if the conversation could get any _more_ embarrassing.

He strolls forward, anyway. “…Want me to help with that?”

“Rin.”

He shrugs, and rakes his fingers through his silky hair, and tucking it behind his ear.“It’s not a big deal.”

“I’m not about to let you jerk me off, Rin,” Haruka says against all his will.

He refrains from rolling his eyes. “Either way, you shouldn’t neglect yourself just because Makoto doesn’t have time for you, Haru.”

He ignores Rin. “I’m fine.”

“To be honest, Sosuke and I haven’t done anything, either. I think he likes me too, but…” Rin’s eyes become a little distant, a little sad. “He’s always so busy…I haven’t even properly confessed to him, yet,” he says with a small, nervous laugh. “And soon I’ll be gone, again...”

Haruka turns his eyes back to him. “Oh?” He suddenly feels a sad for him. It must be all these emotions running through him… but he knows how smitten he’s become with Sosuke. He moves even closer, placing a hand on his shoulder, and gives him a soft, apologetic look. “Um…it’ll be okay.” His eyebrows turn upward when he finds tears in Rin’s eyes. “Rin…?” His hand moves upward to cup his cheek softly, like a child. But instead of pulling him into a hug, he finds himself leaning forward, closing his eyes, leaving a soft kiss on Rin’s lips before pulling back, realizing what he’s done, before realizing that Rin had accepted the kiss and had begun to lean into it, as well.

“Haru…?” Rin’s voice is quiet, and shocked, mirroring Haruka’s own expression.

Haruka just pulls further away, looking away to his side, mortified. How could he let his physical desires control him like that? That has never happened before. And of course it had to be Rin… The last thing he needs to cause is more confusion for the both of them. He straightens up and crosses his arms. _‘Fuck.’_

“Ugh…” Rin begins to sputter. “I’m sorry. I made you do that.”

Haruka turns to him, giving him a sharply impassive glance. “You didn’t make me do anything.” His head tilts. “I just…”

“Want him so, so bad?”

Haruka is silent. He guesses, like this, he must really be transparent.

“Well, I’m in the same state. Looks like we’re gonna have to wait…”

But how long will Makoto make him wait…? Haruka isn’t sure how much further he’ll be able to hold himself from Makoto. Not when that idiot is so stupidly oblivious. Every word he says, every action he takes, it’s like Makoto just _flirts_ through life. But…without knowing it, whereas someone like Rin is a giant flirt and knows it, _flaunts_ it.

Makoto and his damn kindness, the way he handles children so easily, the way he handles _Haruka_ with ease, the way his face becomes studious and focused when he’s determined, the way his face screws up when Haruka nonchalantly says something outrageous, the way he laughs out loud when he and Haruka play with the twins, the way he feels warm and bright like the sun beside Haruka and keeps him awake at night because it’s like the sun has never even gone down…the way he cups his face tenderly and places a kiss on his lips before murmuring goodnight in his ears…

“Fuck…”

Rin glances over at him, watching his love-struck expression turn from wistful to exasperated. “That’s what I thought…”

“I just… _can’t_.” Haruka brings his hands over his head, trying to calm himself down, first by turning away from Rin. “It’s like he has no idea what he does to me. It’s so _infuriating_.”

“I know…”

“Yeah, I know you already know,” Haruka retorts, shooting Rin a filthy look.

Rin sighs, not even surprised anymore. Haruka is no good like this. “I should just leave.”

Haruka turns sharply. “…No.”

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“Stay away from Makoto’s house.”

“Goddammit, Haru. What’s your problem? You obviously don’t want me here. I might as well go see him, instead.”

Haruka bites the inside of his cheek. The last train from Iwatobi has already left, and Rin’s still trying to be polite and give him space. “Stay over.” The look Rin gives him nearly makes him laugh. God he’s feeling so strange right now.  “Besides, Makoto’s probably asleep, already.”

A minute passes by while Rin appears to think. “Has…” he starts, then adjusts his tone. “Have the nightmares gone away yet?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“You think so.”

“…”

“Have you… _asked_?”

Haruka takes on a stubborn tone. “No…”

Rin steps forward, intimidation leaking into his step. “What the _fuck_ , Haru?”

Haruka steps back, fazed. “What.”

“You can’t just rely on facial cues anymore! Makoto has never been that easy to read.”

“You act like you’re the one who’s known him forever.”

“…” Rin’s face becomes disgusted. “You don’t even care about him…”

This angers Haruka. He steps forward, getting into Rin’s face. He’s glad his boner has long disappeared, or this would look very awkward. “Like you’re one to talk.”

“At least I’m _talking_. Haru, you need to _talk_ to him. You know how he’s always using his words! That’s how he expresses himself.”

“We’ve never had to rely on words, before.”

“What a shitty ass excuse for a boyfriend you are—”

“We’re not—”

“But you _want_ to be, don’t you? Look at you! You’re practically _pining_ for him, and you can’t even tell if he feels the same way because you’re such a fucking coward, Haru, you won’t confront him, let alone yourself!”

Haruka freezes. The words hit home like nothing before. But…everything has been fine. Makoto’s smile, the twins finally having pulled themselves together, work and school are going fine. Makoto doesn’t look like he’s been hiding anything. And if he was, Haruka would know. He’s always been good at that.

“You can’t trust the same methods you had before …because now …you realize you’re in love. And now you’re _so close_. You’re fucking head over heels for him. You’re probably not noticing anything else around you because you’re too wrapped up in the idea of being with him instead of actually having the balls to go and ask him out.”

Haruka swallows. “He said… he’s not looking for a relationship.”

Rin stops. “…What?”

Haruka can’t bring himself to scowl. “He said he has ‘no heart left to give’…” He stares up at Rin, uncaring of how torn he must look. “How am I supposed to tell him I want to be with him forever, when he won’t entertain the idea of being with _anyone_?”

Rin goes quiet for a few long moments. When he speaks, his voice is softer than his silence. “I always thought…that maybe he didn’t know what love was. It got to the point where I questioned it, myself. I mean… we liked each other a lot, but I never knew where to draw the line, and for Makoto, the line seemed to change all the time.” He watches Haruka, trying not to focus on the pain in his face, or on the pain he was sure was becoming of his own. “At some point…the line should have disappeared. No more boundaries. So I thought, eventually… I wasn’t enough for him. That the one he liked…may have been you.”

Haruka simply blinks, and looks like he’s just been told the sun is blue.

Rin gives a small, humorless laugh at Haruka’s bewildered look. “I honestly don’t know how you weren’t expecting that.”

“How am I supposed to tell?” He suddenly feels like he’d just kicked a dog.

“You could’ve started out by confessing earlier.”

The look on Haruka’s face is clear – _I refuse to dignify that with a response._

“You don’t honestly think Makoto is the type to reject you??”

Haruka glares at him as if he’s the stupidest being on Earth. “Of course, Makoto will reject whoever he pleases. He’s had no problem all this time in university doing the same.” He doesn’t have the heart to admit that he had been on the verge of confessing that very night before the crash. That would be very shitty of him.

“You idiot,” Rin speaks over him, heaving out a huge breath. “Even if he didn’t return your feelings, it’s not like he’s going to stop being your friend anymore.”

“It won’t be the same.”

If Rin could smash his forehead into a dozen walls at once, he would. “Think for a second. If you told the whole world that you and Makoto were going out from now on, do you think they would even notice? You two might as well be married, the way you two act. And… anyway, it’s good to have change. It doesn’t have to be the same.”

Haruka looks down and folds his arms tight against himself, as if deep in thought. Truthfully, he feels overwhelmed. Is it that obvious? Did it look like they already had a relationship? All the time? “He doesn’t want a romantic relationship right now…remember?” he reminds, pensive. Instead, he thinks, _‘Is this how Rin felt like, the whole time he was with Makoto? Had he been holding himself back, out of fear? Out of fear on stepping on something that didn’t physically exist yet?’_

“You’re still his best friend. He flirts with you all the time, anyway.”

Haru scoffs, yet he can’t stop feeling terrible. Ultimately he tells himself not to make any assumptions. “Nice try, Rin. But no one just goes and beds their best friend.” He looks up, only to find Rin’s arm hooking itself around his shoulders. Rin’s voice is close by his ear.

“Some do.”

Haruka blinks, and the sensation of Rin around his shoulders is gone. He turns around to find Rin heading for the closet where the spare futon is kept.

“Goodnight, Haru.”

Haruka lets his arms fall beside him. Watching Rin’s back with a surge of affection, he replies belatedly, “…Goodnight, Rin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha... well... I have no excuse on how late this update came. I've been having troubles with very small details that are important for later chapters, so I got overwhelmed with them and just gave up after a while! LOL. Also I've really gotten into Voltron: Legendary Defender recently!! So I've been hanging out on Tumblr and posting art and stuff. 
> 
> Feel free to leave comments below or drop me a message at kjosi.tumblr.com/ask
> 
> *Updated tags to include minor character death (already occurred)


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